Author Archives: Lara

About Lara

I am an editor and writer at CM, specializing in sex-positive, pleasure-inclusive approaches to safer sex and sexuality which reflects the diversity of people- genders, kinks, and relationships. I'm a 29-year-old feminist with a focus on progressive, affirming sexuality. I am in a loving relationship. I prefer traveling over settling. I sneeze whenever I eat dark chocolate.

Bad Sex Ed in the News

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We give the low down on public sex education debates hitting headlines the past 6 months. There’s been a lot of coverage. Some jaw-drop appalling. Some inspiring. It was difficult to limit ourselves to 10! This year has seen a lot of students standing up for their rights to access of medically accurate, relevant sexual health knowledge.

1) Two Alabama high school students launch a petition to repeal a state law which requires public sex education to teach students that homosexuality is criminal. The Supreme Court has ruled that same-sex sodomy laws are illegal, but that has not stopped the message from being enforced in sex education. “Telling students that being gay is a crime is not only wrong, it’s unconstitutional according to our nation’s highest court”, states the petition. To date, it’s received 93, 836 supporters, over half the required signatures.

2) Similarly, in Tennessee, 11 year old Marcel speaks out against the so-called “Don’t Say Gay” bill which seeks to prohibits teachers from discussing homosexuality in K- through Grade 8. He is also standing up against R-John Ragan who previously compared homosexuality to pedophilia and prostitution. Marcel calls on the lobby group, StudentsFirst, to take back its award to R-John Ragan, whom they recently named “Educational Reformer of the Year.” Check out Marcel’s petition and watch the short version of his story found on LGBTQNation.com

3) With this spring’s Steubenville rape trail and the recurrent use of “rape culture”, what better time to push a petition to make “enthusiastic consent” a mandatory part of public sex education nationwide. Unfortunately the petition did not receive enough signatures in time and expired. We learned about this campaign from a self-identified bisexual high schooler who criticizes her sex education on Our Bodies Our Blog.

4) Politically and religiously motivated guest speakers were caught on tape giving false sexual and reproductive health info at a high school assembly. In the hour long lecture, two representatives from an anti-abortion organization preached scare tactics to students. For example, they said that “condoms have a failure rate of about 14%”, that there’s a new STD spreading that is “deadlier and faster than AIDS”, that as the rate of “STDs goes up the rate of fertility goes up” and that “all medical textbooks say that life begins at conception”. They also gave sexist information about male and female sexuality explaining that girls in particular need to be careful about sex because they are predisposed to be hormonally and emotionally “bonded” to whoever they are sexually active with. News about the misinformation taught at abstinence-only assemblies are coming to light only because high school students are speaking out. You can listen to the inflammatory rhetoric from a shorter version of lecture provided by TheTennessean.com.

5) Katelyn Campbell made big waves in April when she refused to attend an abstinence-only assembly calling the presentation “slut-shaming”. Funded by a conservative religious organization called “Believe in West Virginia” and advertised with fliers that proclaimed “God’s plan for sexual purity”, lecturer Pam Stenzel allegedly told students that “if you take birth control, your mother probably hates you” reports ThinkProgresss.org. In response to her protest, the school principal threaten Katelyn’s academic career. But this has only led to more support for Katelyn’s cause inspiring strangers from across North America to fight for comprehensive sex ed. There is now a facebook page Friends of Katelyn Campbell.

You can watch YouTube lectures by Pam Stenzel and her outlandish sex health bullshit.

6) In May, Elizabeth Smart, a kidnap and rape survivor, received serious backlash after criticizing abstinence-only sex education. Smart stated that abstinence-only sex ed did not equip her the self-worth that she needed; instead it contributed to her sense of worthless and filth after being repeatedly raped. Abstinence-only proponents disapproved of her criticism by saying that she was speaking irresponsibly and even questioned the extent of her abuse. Calah Alexander (@calahalexander) writes a poignant piece against the backlash on Patheos.com. She writes,

No one showed even a hint of sympathy for how [Elizabeth Smart] had suffered, not only at the hands of her captors, but at the hands of a degrading philosophy of human sexuality. Such a callous indifference to human suffering is appalling. It shows that too many Christians, too many proponents of abstinence-only education, have put their concern for the welfare of a quasi-political movement above their concern for the welfare of a human being, of human dignity itself.”

7) In other backlash news, the anti-abortion bills that swept over the US during the beginning of 2013 have also impacted sex education. In April, Kansas law determined that life begins “at fertilization”. This bill prohibits any agents connected to abortion providers – including Planned Parenthood – from providing any information on human sexuality to students in public schools.

Image from ThinkProgress.org

8) Sex Week is becoming an actual thing to kick off Spring semester across North America. The lineup varies across campuses including lectures on how to masturbate, how to use condoms, the concept of virginity, contraceptive choices, what it means to be transgender, and how to stop sexual violence—topics that many college students, despite being age 18 and over—never learned about in high school. But 2013 proved a tough year as administrators stalled sex talk events, cut funding, and banned the distribution of free condoms on campus. Cosmopolitan explains more.

9) What exactly does “comprehensive” mean in sex education? Jess Kiley @Jessthefeminist nails it on the head. Providing examples of some outlandish laws passed this year, she makes a strong argument on Feminspire.com for why sex education has failed and sustained homophobia, transphobia and sexism.

10) Ending on a happy note, Illinois has made great strides this year. In January, they enacted a law that requires sex ed to focus on sexual abuse and consent. The state also banned abstinence-only sex ed and put in place new requirements that education must be medically accurate.

For more information on trends sweeping sex education policy across US states check out the Guttmacher Institute, an independent nonprofit research institute that works to provide sexual and reproductive health and rights in the United States and worldwide.

What do you think should be added to this year’s list of public sex education in the news? Share a cause or petition with us.

‘V-Gals’: The other WWII enemy

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The Daily Mail and MSN Now published an exhibit of 1940s sexual health posters raising awareness about the spread of gonorrhea and syphilis. What’s striking is the way these images packaged moral stigma. Women, particularly sex workers, “loose” women and “victory gals” were portrayed as the sinful source of venereal disease. Copying war-style propaganda, some posters depicted sexualized women as the enemy for comrades to brave against. Like this one displaying an assembly line of blonde temptresses- all the same; all out to fuck you and your country.

WWII Public Service Announcement. After condoms are finally made legal in the USA Army. Image from the DailyMail.co.uk

Loose equals Loaded with disease! Read STI stigma. Image sourced from the DailyMail.co.uk

Many campaigns, like this one, used fear tactics and warned soldiers not to be fooled by the attraction of “loose” women- for they are not what they seem.

And, of course, we won’t mention the risks of unprotected sex for men who have sex with men, because that doesn’t exist in the armed forces (sarcasm).

Another aspect to put into perspective is the history of condom stigma, especially in the United States during the first World War. These PSAs were made just after condoms became legalized and issued to the Armed Forces.

But during the First World War, the reality of STIs dealt with differently. It was widely believed that venereal disease was the price one paid for sinful choices.

Condom Censorship

Thus, the American Social Hygiene Association objected to issuing condoms to soldiers- so during the First World War, they weren’t. In fact, since 1873, the U.S. government illegalized any advertisement of contraceptives. That same set of laws also banned the sale of condoms and allowed for condoms to be confiscation from personal mail in up to thirty states (Collier, 2007).

It wasn’t until World War II that the use of condom became prominent among both European and American soldiers. Keep in mind that condom technology at the time was not regulated and the pleasure factor was close to nil. Lubricant wasn’t invented until 1957. Defective latex and breakage rates were high. It wasn’t until the 1960s that North America and most of Europe established a quality standard controls for manufacturers to follow (Perera 2004).

Read here for more on the foible history of condoms and other contraceptives.

Visit the Daily Mail and MSN to view more WWII sexual disease propaganda.

Why Not Have Sex With Someone Living With HIV?

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“Another Friday night and here I sit home alone. Just a phone call away is a very hot guy waiting for me to spend the week end with him for some intimacy and hopefully good sex. I am conflicted because I know the moment I disclose my HIV status this insatiable attraction he has for me will come to an abrupt end. Should I enjoy this feeling of being desired for a while longer before the inevitable? (Anyone having been in this situation knows exactly how I feel).” – Anonymous, contributor of The HIV Disclosure Project.

The HIV/AIDS pandemic of the 1980s led to a surge of condom campaigns. Now when we hear the term “safe sex” we immediately associate it with male condoms, the Pill, unwanted pregnancy, STIs. HIV transmission is discussed in sex education, but what’s neglected are the specifics about HIV as it is today: how it is manageable, what “undetectable” means, why terms like “clean” are harmful, what the heck is PReP (Pre Exposure) and PEP (Post Exposure Prophylaxis). And we certainly never discuss the possibility of having a healthy sexual relationship with a person living with HIV.

The reason is because, frankly, there is still fear associated with the virus. People like Gail and Jolene, founders of the HIV Disclosure Project, know that HIV stigma persists just as it did 30 years ago. It permeates our fears of “death, dying, contracting the virus through protected sex, casual contact, fear of dating a person who is living with HIV as others may think they are positive as well (guilty by association). Fear that people living with HIV are highly contagious”, Gail describes in our interview. “Many people know the facts about transmission and yet are afraid that there might be some “unusual” accident which will lead to infection.”

The Stigma Cycle

Image from the HIV Disclosure Project Facebook Page

Safe sex messages have traditionally been built on fear and as a result, the campaigns have failed miserably; from that fear is born stigmatization and prejudice against people who are HIV-positive. People who choose to disclose their status risk being verbally and physically abused, risk rejection and isolation, risk discrimination by being “outed” (loss of control over who knows their status), risk discrimination in the workplace, schools, with housing, health care and violations of basic human rights. People are deterred from getting tested and treated regularly; it results in silence about one’s status; thus the virus continues to be transmitted. “It’s what we refer to as the Stigma Cycle,” Gail explains.

To fight the stigma born out of fear, the HIV Disclosure Project facilitates open discussions about how to make the dating scene more inclusive of people living with HIV. “We provide a safe, non-judgmental space for people living with HIV to role play, practice a variety of techniques for disclosing if they choose to, while aiming to empower individuals to have options, externalize stigma and challenge public perception of people living with HIV. We want to have PSAs (public service announcements) that ask the question – Why not have sex with someone who is living with HIV?”

The HIV Disclosure Project

The idea for the Project started with two colleagues, Gail and Jolene, who saw a need for a supportive workshop where people living with HIV could “discuss, disclose, practice disclosure, find comfortable and timely ways to gauge when to disclose or not, and to process feelings that derived from stigma and rejection,” Gail says.

“People living with HIV also needed a space where they could challenge and change dating terminology which perpetuated stigma and fear of HIV, including terms such as “clean”, “disease free” and “dirty”. New terminology was needed to describe one’s status that excluded negative connotations and included acceptance, tolerance, and a willingness to consider dating a person who is living with HIV.”

At the time, there were no written manuals on disclosing HIV to sex partners. Granted funding from ACCM (AIDS Community Care Montreal), the two colleagues wrote a manual titled “Positive Sex” and designed a pilot workshop that resulted in much success. The Disclosure Project received further funding from the CIHR (Canadian Institute on Health Research) through CTAC (Canadian Treatment Access Council) where Jolene works as Program Manager. Workshops are now being implemented across Canada in collaboration with ACCM, where Gail is an active volunteer.

I asked Gail how we might de-stigmatize sexual relationships for people living with HIV. The answer might seem controversial but it reflects upon the fear tactics that are often utilized in government supported sex ed programs and why we need to adopt Positive Sex frameworks in public health.

“What needs to be reinforced in the mainstream are the basic facts about HIV transmission and repeated public service announcements and education which tells the public that it is socially acceptable to have safe sex with a person living with HIV, that having sex with a person living with HIV does not mean they are going to contract HIV. There are many sero- discordant couples who have been in long term relationships where the HIV negative person remained negative.”

“Positive Sex” is the new “Safe Sex”

Image from http://www.ctac.ca/positive-sex

Gail and Jolene bring up an important point about the meaning of “safety” that is taught in sex education. What’s often overlooked are issues of emotional safety, such as consent and self-esteem, that are both cause and effect of sex. Few curricula teach consent or communication in a way that is relevant to sexual diversity. Instead, outdated sex education shames discussions of sexual pleasure and desire, and the different types of relationships humans are a part. The Disclosure Project views this type of shaming in opposition to what is positive sex.

As Gail explains, “Positive sex to us means finding ways to successfully disclose one’s HIV status while not feeling threatened, stigmatized or experiencing any negative reactions while disclosing. Positive Sex also involves challenging and changing public perceptions of people living with HIV. In the past, safe sex campaigns were based on fear and as a result, thirty years into the pandemic, there are many misconceptions that perpetuate fear and stigma which need to be challenged.”

“Positive Sex ideally would involve disclosure being met with acceptance and understanding, not rejection and stigma. Positive Sex would involve the elimination of terminology that is discriminatory on the dating scene and a shift within the public whereby people would consider dating a person living with HIV, without fear or stigma.”

To learn more about The HIV Disclosure Project follow them on twitter @sexpartnersHIV. Like their Facebook Page for daily prose, thoughts and poems related to HIV and disclosure.

For information on HIV transmission, prevention, safety and risks refer to ACCM and CTAC. There are a lot of them, but other helpful resource are: CareXO.com, the YAHAnet (Youth, the Arts, HIV & AIDS Network) and The Life Foundation. Keep yourself informed!

#WithoutShame: Storytelling about HIV

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To combat the spread of HIV and stigma, we need honest discussions that go beyond politically correct ways of representing today’s realities about the virus without oversimplifying and shaming. That is what these two digital stories offer. Watch and listen.

btp_logo_print Real life storytelling is a powerful way to raise awareness about HIV and stigma. Stories not only convey information but they also communicate values that relate the storyteller and the listener in more nuanced ways. The Banyan Tree Project, run by the folks at The Asian & Pacific Islander Wellness Center, has utilized this human resource and extended it to Twitter chat.

Viewing Stories on Twitter #BTPChat

They launched a digital storytelling initiative to combat HIV-related stigma in Asian and Pacific Islander communities. For those of you that don’t know, digital storytelling is a workshop-based practice in which participants write their own first-person scripts, record narration, select and scan images, add music, and make 3-4 minute digital videos- in this case, about one’s experience with HIV. The digital stories are uploaded on the project website and have been shared in panels, conferences, and other community discussions to provoke dialogue and community change.

This is how I learned about the Banyan Tree Project (BTP) and watched the two digital stories posted below. BTP organized 5 weekly Twitter chats with guest including TheBody.com and the USA Positive Women’s Network, among others, and framed questions based on digital stories they shared.
You can follow and participate in the chats by following @BTPMay19 and using the hashtag #BTPChat.

June 6, 2012, there will be a #BTPChat about HIV and Youth with the Youth, the Arts, HIV & AIDS Network (@YAHAnet). It starts at 5pm Eastern /2pm Pacific Time and runs for an hour.

Image from @yahanet

HIV and Gay/Bi Men #BTPChat

Last week’s topic was about men who have sex with men and HIV with the National Minority AIDS Council (@NMAC AIDS). Tony’s digital story initiated the chat. Sharing his experience of grief and denial, Tony emphasizes the need for community support which includes the important role of family and friends.

(All videos from the BTP can be watched on their website)

Following the video, @BTPMay19 tweeted these questions for us all to respond.

1) Tony says “Know your status, get tested, seek treatment, find support.” What do gay/bi men need in order to do this?

2) Tony most likely contracted HIV decades ago. How has the gay community’s perception of HIV changed over the last 30 years? #BTPChat

To-the-point answers (you have to be, it’s twitter!) from various HIV outreach professionals and activists rolled out. I’m REALLY generalizing here but comments ranged from issues of disclosure and stigma, the need for everyone (not just poz folks) to have updated info on the manageability of HIV; and the urgency of different ways to frame HIV facts that resonate with different communities.

In the second video “Side Effects”, a sexual health educator candidly explains what led to his choice to have sex without a condom. He reveals that he’s secretly on post-exposure prophylaxis (PEP) and works through his guilt.

The #BTPChat question posed were:

1) PEP/PReP can protect against HIV exposure. What do you think this means for gay/bi men relationships?

2) What challenges do gay/bi men still face when getting tested/treated for HIV? #BTPChat

Also, one of the guest moderators, @NMAC AIDS, asked if this storyteller is a hypocrite and if outreach professionals would use this video when teaching prevention? Again, I’m writing a very simplified overview but I think it’s fair to say that most twitter participants felt this story was the kind of frank discourse needed to tackle taboo subjects like drugs and unsafe sex. Every participant seemed to express support for PEP/PReP stating that it offers more options for different relationships and circumstances. Comments did touch upon the inaccessibility of PEP/PReP due to high costs. It was also emphasized that such treatment must be coupled with promoting regular testing and condoms use in appropriate circumstances. Other participants mentioned that condom stigma needs to be taken more seriously by activists.

Post-Thoughts?

The creation and (careful) distribution of these digital stories have potential to make people rethink assumptions about HIV issues and stereotypes of people living with the virus. These are not HIV experiences typically represented in national public discourse. You will not find them in H&M or state-funded sex ed classes. In some ways, they uphold harmful stereotypes that reduce people with STDs and infections as deviant and careless. The storytellers admit to dissent, recklessness, negligence and guilt. But that is the power of these stories- honest talk that keeps it real.

They expose the trickiness of discussing HIV-related topics without subconsciously casting moral judgment. People are slutty, people are negligent and irrational, people use drugs and take part in abusive relationships (be it with themselves or another).

However, these digital stories are not innately effective at combating HIV stigma and posing discussion. They require careful framing. Dialogue needs to be monitored and kept tailored for particular audiences in order to respect the storyteller and effectively combat myths and stigma that might be decoded by the audience. I think the people at APIWellness who run #BTPChat do a great job at this and I hope they continue to twitter #withoutshame.

What are your responses to these digital stories and the #BTPChat questions?

Non-Rolling Condoms Look Like This…

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A California-based company is hoping to revolutionize protective barriers by introducing the Origami Condom (company website). Their three condom types are currently under clinical testing and are expected to hit the market by 2015, but already the prototype has received much attention. Speculations range from eager “Fuck yeahs!” to fearful “Hell nos” like Linda Sharps’ worry of “weird noises” this accordion-shape might make. Well, such are the trials of new technology.

To their credit, Origami Condoms has been applauded by the popular daytime show The Doctors (watch TV segment). Bigger still, the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation has titled Origami the leading condom innovator in the private sector. Gates blogs about it here.

Leading Condom Innovation

Head honchos aside, here are at least 4 reasons why this new johnny should turn your head.

It is the first of many things.

Origami Male Condom (OMC) via www.origamicondoms.com

Like…

1) It’s the first non-roll condom. This is the most striking feature. The bare physics of it are even more intriguing. Its folding “pleats” allow the condom to move and flex consistently with the body, unlike a roll-on condom which is engineered to clutch in place against movement. Another plus is that Origami is made of non-allergenic, soft silicon (here’s our post for more on non-latex options). This video demonstration comparing a male latex condom to an Origami clearly shows the difference (YouTube).

warning: videos here may not be suitable for children or work environment

2) It’s the first to dress in under 3 seconds. The video shows why Origami boasts that it’s male condom can be put on faster and easier than a classic rolling latex. Departure from the rolling-down procedure is made possible by a folding, extendable sleeve. So there is less chance of snagging skin, choking and bunching up in the way of intimacy. The female and anal condoms will come with an optional insertion applicator if help is needed.

Origami Anal Condom via www.origamicondoms.com

3) It’s the first to focus on anal sex. Today, the only other option for protective anal sex, besides the standard roll on condoms, is the female condom. Yet, the FC2 (which is the only female condom available- more on that below) has not been approved by the FDA for anal sex. In fact, before Origami, there are no condoms which are tested and approved specifically for safe anal sex.

Origami Female Condom via www.origamicondoms.com

4) It’s a new female condom. This is good news given the very limited options of female condoms on the market. The FC2 is the only female condom available in North America and is made of nitrile rubber which carries few allergens. The silicon material of Origami has absolutely no allergies. Also, the flexibility of Origami may be more form fitting compared to the one-size-fits-all design of FC2 which does not favor everyone.

The Origami Condom designs are not only innovative; they’re inclusive of other sexualities and sex practices that are often overlooked in the safer sex industry.

This is my own speculation (and there has been no human testing done, so take with a grain of salt!), but perhaps due to the collar at the opening of the female and anal Origami, this design might open doors to a more effective condom at preventing STIs like HPV, of which standard male condoms are ust 70% effective (according to a study via New Scientist).

“Origami Wont’ Go Viral, But The Promo Should!”- Danny Resnic, Origami inventor and owner

This is what the Origami inventor proclaims in his reach-out Indiegogo Campaign video. Resnic explains that because this is a totally new barrier protection, it is crucial to communicate to the world how to use Origami correctly and consistently. However, Origami is facing serious marketing challenges due to FCC media restrictions.

Danny Resnic, inventor of Origami Condoms, seeks funding to produce a FCC compatible media promo via Indiegogo

The FCC will not allow a condom to be shown on TV and radio ads have language restrictions. This makes it really difficult to market a product that is so alternative and yet they cannot verbally or visually explain how to use it, nor can they mention anything relevant like buttholes and vagina or penis.

Thus Origami has launched a campaign to help raise funds to produce a 30 second TV and social media promo that is compatible with the FCC and delivers a clear message on correct and consistent use. Their goal is to reach $50,000 by the beginning of June. Check out their campaign on Indiegogo..

Visit the company website for news and sign up at the bottom of their page to be notified when Origami hits the market. All images are provided by www.OrigamiCondoms.com

Condoms and Kama Sutra: An interview with Vena Ramphal

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I spend a lot of time in the sex-positive community trying to connect with new people. Somewhere along the way, I found myself clicking through the gooey rhetoric of tantric sex. Like, “It’s the art of disappearing inside each other”…“It dissolves the boundaries between two people…even beyond having a body.” I came across an article by Vena Ramphal in the Huffington Post. Reading her breakdown of systems and terminologies, it struck me how oversimplified pop culture portrays tantric sex.

While I know little about the discipline, I think it’s fair to place it in the sex-positive category. But where do practicalities of safer sex come into play? I mean, it’s not common to see condoms in erotic drawings of the Kama Sutra. Do tantric sex coaches ever implement condoms when teaching “spiritual awareness”?

How do tantric professional approach issues of STIs? Of sexual health?

Follow Vena on Twitter @VenaRamphal

For Vena Ramphal, safe sex begins with emotional intelligence. Vena Ramphal (PhD) is a philosopher and teacher of erotic pleasure and romance. Her background is in yogic-tantric philosophy and the pleasure traditions of the Kama Sutra. She is also a twitter poet, offering insights into the subtleties of intimacy. We agreed to an interview and she shared her thoughts on sex positivity and safer sex.

How do you define “sex positivity” or sex positive approaches in education and counseling? How do you relate to this within your work?

For me, sex positivity is simple. It says, ‘Sexual pleasure as good not guilty.’ To be sex positive is to see physical intimacy as being good for people. This is a very different frame of reference to our dominant cultural understanding which see sexual pleasure in terms of morality.

To look at sex as a nurturing experience that engenders physical, mental and emotional wellbeing is a good basis on which to generate sex positive discourse. In my work I help people to reframe their attitudes to sex on this basis.

Does the use of condoms and other safe sex practices enter the discourse of sexual pleasure/awareness? How have you dealt with this in your work?

In my work the practicalities of safe sex – such as condoms and sexual health checks – are a base line. There are still a lot of people who don’t get regular sexual health checks – especially those in their fifties and above, so it’s really important to have this conversation.

However, I also coach people to think about safe sex more subtly – as a practice in emotional intelligence.

For example, it takes emotional intelligence to know what you want to do, and what you don’t want to do with your body; and to communicate during sex especially when your partner asks for something you don’t want to give.

Safe sex is about holding your own boundaries and respecting your partner’s boundaries – their body, their mood and their desires.

We need to integrate the idea of safe sex into discourses on sexual pleasure. The health and safety side of sex – condoms etc. – is still seen as inhibiting pleasure, so people are reluctant to talk about it. They’d rather talk about the fun stuff. Getting them to think about safe sex as an emotionally intelligent thing to do, gives them a new way of looking at the practicalities of wearing a condom.

What do you feel is an important problem in mainstream consciousness about “healthy sex” and how do you suggest to fix it?

I think the baseline problem is that in mainstream consciousness sex is still seen as forbidden fruit. This injects guilt into sexuality and however subconscious this might be, it creates a fundamentally unhealthy relationship with sex.

We need to change our cultural mythology of sex. It’s a big ask but I think we need to free sex of guilt. We’ll accomplish this by changing the way we think and feel about sex. Of course this is a multi-aspected task. Our cultural mythology is told through so many media, from language (swear words are an interesting example of how we damage our relationship with sex) to movies and sex education policy.

I think a good place to start is to develop the highest regard for your own body, irrespective of sex. This is something that we can all do for ourselves without external help. Replace critical thoughts and feelings about your body with appreciative ones. Give up saying anything disparaging about your looks. This is only a first step but its a significant one because your relationship with your body is the foundation for your sex life.

In the field of sex counseling and education, what sets you apart from common approaches and what defines your work?

I’m a philosopher of sex. To me, sex as an expression of self. The technicalities of good sex are only the first step. I think the really interesting questions are underneath the technicalities. Questions such as ‘How fully are you giving your attention to the point where flesh meets flesh?’
‘What sexual attitude do you bring to bed with you?’ ‘What effect does sex have on your emotions?’

For me, the flesh is the most immediate and complete expression of self, more than thoughts or words. When I’m educating people about the technicalities of good sex we discuss their intentions and attitudes towards sex and their partner.

Also I teach a self-centred rather than relationship-centred approach to sex. This isn’t about being selfish but about knowing what you want and what you don’t want. It’s about knowing how to read your own desire and listen to your body. On this basis you learn to hold your partner’s body and desires in the highest regard

What do you think it is about your identity that brought you into the field of sex education?

I think the human body is extraordinary. I’d say that my experience of the world is primarily kinaesthetic. I trained in classical Indian dance from the time I was seven, and loved it. My first career was as a dancer and choreographer. To me the body is precious because of its capacity to express who-I-am to who-you-are. Sex is the most intricate and intimate form of that expression.

I feel sad when I see people in poor relationship with their own sexuality. Its a missed opportunity. I’m glad to be able to help people improve their approach to erotic pleasure so they have more fulfilling sex lives.

More with Vena…

Follow Vena on twitter @VenaRamphal

For easy, practical tips on becoming sexier 28 Days to Being Sexier http://tinyurl.com/PassionTips

Vena’s blog http://venaramphal.wordpress.com/

Workshop ‘The Art of Conscious Romance‘ London, 26th May

Website http://www.venaramphal.com/

Have a Merry Masturbation!

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What better way to summon the season of twitterpating than by celebrating May Masturbation Month! Here are some fun facts about Annual– now International- Month of Masturbation and some great links to help you…participate.

Dr. Jocelyn Elders. Image from US National Library of Medicine

1) The true poster child of Masturbation Month is former US Surgeon General Jocelyn Elders. Following a speech at the 1994 UN World AIDS Day, Elders was asked about masturbation as a way to discourage youth from engaging in partnered sex. She responded, “I think it is something that is part of human sexuality and a part of something that perhaps should be taught” (EmpowerHer, 2010). Gasp! The result: Elder was forced to resign from government.

But this sex shaming and conservative wrath backfired with a whole month dedicated to public talks, workshops, dancings, plays of all thing Masturbation! Thanks to Good Vibrations, the guru of sex toy shops. National Masturbation Month aims to encourage people to talk freely about it, to end the guilt associated with it and dispel the notion that it is “second-best” to “real” sex (Good Vibes’ official statement).

2) The celebration of #radical self-love has taken place every year since. The ever-so-climatic Masturbate-A-Thon is its biggest fundraiser. It encourages people to collect pledges and raise funds for sex-positive non-profits. Masturbate-A-Thon was originally hosted in San Francisco by Good Vibration and has spread to other cities like Portland OR, Washington D.C., London, England, and Copenhagen, Denmark. For it’s 14th Anniversary, the Thon will be held in Philly, PA, and funds will be used to benefit local LGBTQ inclusive sex-ed organizations, Pleasure Rush! and ScrewSmart. These guys established a CrowdRise fundraiser to help raise $3,000 from 1 May to May 27th, 2013, in order to help pay for the end of the month party, festively named Creamium.

Both Pleasure Rush! and ScrewSmart believe that the Philly Masturbate-A-Thon 2013 has the power to deliver the following:
-Reduce stigma and shame around sexuality.
-Promote sexual health Create a community of dialogue around the importance of pleasure. -Give you an excuse to jerk off for hours!” (Crowdraise).

Masturbation Month Poster made and sourced from The Buzz, Good Vibrations Magazine, www.GoodVibes.com

3) In honor of International Masturbation Month, the Center for Sex & Culture (CSC) in conjunction with Shilo McCade’s “I Masturbate…” photo exhibition (summary about the photo project), is facilitating a writing class on the power of masturbation. Participants will spend a few hours writing response to photos and sharing stories about orgasms, self-love, and other aspects of sexuality. Proceeds support the CSC.

4) Ever heard of Betty Dodson? She is only the Queen of Masturbation and a pioneer in sexual liberation. Here is a great article by a woman who attended one of Betty’s 5-hour masturbation workshops and learned new types and ways of orgasm.

5) The student run news source, The Interloper @ USC is running its first ever masturbation writing contest. Winner gets a vibrator. You can read the first story: You Are Sleeping Inside Me.

6) Think you’re a master of masturbation? Test your knowledge with this 14 question quiz!

Taboo History Brief: Why we should celebrate

Image from article by William Bell @ BlogHer.com

Image from article about Masturbation Month by William Bell @ BlogHer.com

Masturbation Month is growing in profile but it stems from a long history of societal hush-hush syndrome. In fact, masturbation didn’t receive any attention on prime time television until Seinfeld brought up the taboo topic in 1992. In the episode (wikilink), George Constanza is caught by his mother masturbating. He confesses to Jerry, Elaine and Kramer and the conversation results in the four entering a contest to determine who can go for the longest period of time without masturbating.
No one wins. What’s interesting is that while the topic is quite blatant and insinuates that everyone masturbates (often!), the word “masturbation” could not actually be spoken. NBC thought the topic wasn’t suitable for TV, so the taboo is described in a series of hilarious euphemisms.

As Good Vibrations writes, “Almost everyone masturbates, but all too few of us are willing to admit to enjoying this simple pleasure – mostly because of the taboo against masturbation in our society, which has its roots in historical misconceptions that have survived to the present day.” During the 18th, 19th, and 20th century in Europe and America, masturbation was believed to be a debilitating wastes on energy that could result in exhaustion, impotence, insanity, epilepsy, etc. People obsessed over ways to prevent and treat the destructive urge.

For example, Dr. John H Kellogg advocated that circumcision should be performed with no anesthesia in order to deter children from “self-abuse” (cracked.com). Yes, this is Kellogg of the Kellogg’s cereal. Grape-Nuts, and later Corn Flakes, were invented to prevent “fire in the blood”. As early as the 1800s, masturbation experts believed that certain foods stimulated the urge, so people were recommended certain diets that eliminated instigators like pickles, candy, and eggs, and designed non-stimulating alternatives like cold breakfast cereal.

For more investigation into the rabbit hole of bizarre anti-masturbation treatments, Cracked.com offers a great article that covers all methods from Boy Scouts’ cold showers, to leeches, and spiked penile rings, bondage belts, and clitoridectomy.

So Happy Masturbation Month Everyone!

Let’s be thankful that our notions and acceptance of the deed has evolved from spiked penis restraints to Masturbate-A-Thon fundraisers! It’s great that there are many more sex positive resources out there that help normalize masturbation for us all. In some ways, it is a political act. It’s the ultimate safe sex, it increases awareness of your body and own sexual response, it relieves cramps, and it’s fun! So celebrate!

Do you have any fun facts or masturbation resources to share? Please comment below.

It’s always nice to know if you like what you’ve read. Please let us know by tweeting this or liking us on Facebook.

Special thanks to Good Vibrations, BlogHer, EmpowerHer, and Bitch Mag for the images and information.

Fitting Matters: Solutions for Condom Size Problems

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This post suggests solutions for problem-points on condoms which are too tight, too loose, too short, too long.

A study published in June 2012 argues that penis shape and size must be taken more seriously by public health officials and activists who aim to increase consistent and correct condom use to prevent transmission of HIV and other STIs. Researchers Michael Reece and Debra Herbenick of Indiana University found a substantial percentage of men reported condoms being too tight, too loose, too short, too long, breakage, leakage….basically a general condom discomfort that can result in misuse or disuse.

The majority of condom products are fitted for “average” length at 6.4 inches when erect (see the Kinsey report and Durex scientific survey). But as Reece and Herbenick found, length of the condom is not the greatest discomfort; rather, it is fitting around the head and shaft that scored highest among complaints, with penis base at a close second. For example, of those men who reported that condoms were too tight, 66% reported tightness around the base, 70.4% around the glans, and 73% around the shaft.

The study concludes that HIV and STI practitioners must get involved with condom manufacturers to ensure that condoms are consistent with men’s experiences of fitting and pleasure. Indeed, no matter what size, all men should have access to well-fitting condoms.

Jump to:
If “Condoms are too Tight”
If “Condoms are too Loose”
If “Condoms are too Short”
If “Condoms are too Long”.

Image from @TheyFitCondoms

Given the wide range of condoms on the market, prevention providers can play a valuable role in helping men to identify condoms that suit their size specificities, hence potentially increasing the likelihood of consistent condom usage. For the large proportion of men who reported tightness around the glands (70%), for example, HIV and STI prevention providers may alleviate men’s perceptions that condoms are too tight by recommending condoms that are designed with a more bulbous head to reduce constriction. As our chart shows below, Durex condoms tend to offer the most variety in contoured shapes and head room.

Here we have organized a list of condoms according to the 4 “problem points” identified in Reece and Herbenick’s study. Under each complaint we provide a list of condoms by brand that may help alleviate discomfort.

Please note: External links may be affiliates that give us a tiny commission. However, this is not a condom company endorsement! We are completely independent and do not favor one company over another. Due to the fact that the major North American brands are Durex, Trojan, Lifestyles, Beyond 7, and Caution Wear, our first aim is to gather these dimensions.

CONDOM FIT SOLUTIONS

If “Condoms are too Tight”…

CAUTION WEAR

Caution Wear Grande

This is Caution Wear’s largest condom. Unlike other large condoms, this one is wider than regular condoms, but maintains the same 7.0″ length.
Base width: 2.2″/56mm
Length: 7.0″/180m

TROJAN

Trojan Magnum XL

One of the longest and widest condoms on the market. Made with an extra bulbous head and wider shaft width.
Base width: 2.1″/53.34mm
Head width: 2.7″/68.58mm
Length: 8.12″/206mm

Trojan Magnum Original

Tapered at the base for a secure fit and extends wider up the head for comfort. Suitable for guys who find standard condoms too short and too tight.
Base width: 2.1″/53.34mm
Head width: 2.5″/63.5mm
Length: 8.12″/206mm

DUREX

Durex XXL

The largest condom made by Durex
Classic straight shape
Compared to Trojan Magnum XL, Durex XL is wider at the base and longer, but smaller bulbous head than Magnums.
Base width: 2.3”/58mm
Length: 8.3”/210.8mm

Durex AVANTI Bare

Made of polyisoprene, the latest upgrade in condom technology. More thin, stretchy and flexible than polyurethane and latex.
Has the length of an average condom with wider base and shaft room. Suitable for the thicker than average guy, or men who find condoms to be tight around the glands.
Base width: 2.2”/55.8mm
Length: 7.5”/190mm

Durex PleasureMAX

Ribbed and studded for extra stimulation
Slightly wider contoured shape at base and bulbous head without the extra length of most XL condoms.
Base width: 2.15”/53mm
Length: 7.9/200mm

LIFESTYLES

SKYN Large

First ever large-size polyisoprene condom.
Strong as latex but softer, more flexible material- the latest in condom technology.
Ideal for people with latex allergy or sensitivity
Wider base and shaft than the Magnum, but not quite as long. Slightly longer than average LifeStyle condoms. Ideal for broader, thicker than average guys.
Base width: 2.2”/55mm
Length: 7.8”/200mm

Lifestyles THYN

Popular contoured shape that flares at the top. Suitable for males who find condoms tight around the glands and need more head room.
Standard length.
21% thinner than standard latex condoms; made of polyisoprene- the latest in condom technology.
Base width: 2.0”/51mm
Length: 7.5”/190mm

Lifestyles KYGN

Wider and longer than regular Lifestyles condoms. Not quite as long as Trojan Magnums, but wide base.
Flare shape for wider end.
Base width: 2.2”/56mm
Length: 7.8”/200mm

Lifestyles Pleasure Shape

Exclusive oversized tip for more head room, but with the average length.
Stimulates most sensitive areas for both partners
Base width: 2.01”/51mm
Length: 7.5”/190mm

Lifestyles 3SUM

Extra ribbed, ultra studded, uniquely shaped.
Wide shaft, contoured at head for his pleasure
Regular fit at base and width
Base width: 2.1”/53mm
Length: 7.5”/190mm

If “Condoms are too Short”…

TROJAN

Trojan ThinTensity Lubricated

25% thinner than Trojan’s standard condom
Close comfort fit around the shaft. Has the same long length as Magnums with snug fit around the shaft and slightly less head room and snug . Good if one is looking for longer length, but not wider width.
Base width: 2.0″/50.8mm
Length: 8.12″/206mm

Trojan SUPRA

Has the width of a regular size condom, but is made for the longer than average male.
Made of Polyurethane, which is more elastic than latex and has higher tear resistance.
Base width: 2.0”/50.8mm
Length: 7.9”/200mm

Trojan Magnum XL

Is one of the longest and widest condoms on the market.
Base width: 2.1″/53.34mm
Head width: 2.7″/68.58mm
Length: 8.12″/206mm

Trojan Magnum Original

Trojan Magnum Thin

Thinner than the regular Magnum condoms
Base width: 2.1″/53.34mm
Head width: 2.5″/63.5mm
Length: 8.12″/206mm

DUREX

Durex XXL

The largest condom made by Durex
Classic straight shape
Compared to Trojan Magnum XL, Durex XL is wider at the base and longer, but smaller head than Magnums.
Base width: 2.3”/58mm
Length: 8.3”/210.8mm

Durex Maximum Love

20% thinner than standard latex condoms
Unique easy-on design shape to roll on smooth.
Contoured at the head with a flare shape to the tip.
On the larger side of the regular condom sizes in both width and length.
Base width: 2.2”/56mm
Length: 8”/205mm

Durex Natural Feeling

Ultra smooth water-based lubricant
About 1.0 to 1.5 inches larger in length and width than regular size condoms
Base width: 2.2”/56mm
Length: 8”/205mm

Durex Sensi Thin

Durex’s thinnest latex condom
Longer than the average condom, with slightly snugger width at the base. Suitable for guys who are looking for more width without the extra length.
Base width: 2.0”/5.1mm
Length: 7.9”/200mm

LifeStyles

SKYN Large

Lifestyles KYGN

Wider and longer than regular Lifestyles condoms. Not quite as long as Trojan Magnums. Suitable to those fit in between regular and XXL length.
Flare shape for wider end.
Base width: 2.2”/56mm
Length: 7.8”/200mm

If “Condoms are too Long”…

CAUTION WEAR

All Caution Wear “regular” sizes are 7.0″/180mm long, which is shorter than other popular brands.

Caution Wear Classic Plain

Silicon-based lubricant, straight shaped condom
Base width: 2.0”/53mm
Length: 7.0/180mm
Head width: .6”/15mm

Caution Wear Black Ice Ultra Thin

Caution Wears’ thinnest condom (slightly thicker than other brands of thin condoms)
Base width: 2.0”/53mm
Length: 7.0”/180mm

Caution Wear Wild Rose Ribbed

Ribbed straight shaped condom
Base width: 2.0”/53mm
Length: 7.0”/180mm

TROJAN

Trojan does not manufacture condoms shorter than 7.5”/190mm

DUREX

Durex Enhanced Pleasure

Contoured shape for tapered fit around the base and shaft. Is one of the shortest condoms on the North American market.
Base width: 1.92”/49mm
Length: 6.7”/170mm

LIFESTYLES

Lifestyles Snugger Fit
Smaller width and length than regular sizes
Unique shape hugs better around shaft and head
The smallest condom available on the market, along with Caution Wear Iron Grip condoms.
Base width: 1.9”/48.26mm
Length: 6.3”/160mm

Beyond Seven

All Beyond Seven Condoms, except Crown, are less than 7.5 inches long. They are also the thinnest latex condoms on the market.

Beyond7 Ultra ThinClassic straight shape condom. Slightlly shorter than standard regular condoms
Base width: 2.0”/51mm
Length: 7.2”/180mm

Beyond7 Aloe Enriched

4X more lubricant than standard latex condoms.
Base width: 2.0″/51mm
Length: 7.2″/180mm

Beyond 7 Studded

The thinnest condom makers offer studded condoms for those who love extra stimulation.
Studded along the shaft
Base width: 2.0”/51mm
Length: 7.2”/180mm

“Condoms are too Loose”

CAUTION WEAR

Caution Wear Iron Grip

One of the smallest condoms on the market.
Straight classic shape.
Base width: 1.92”/49mm
Length: 6.7”/170mm
Head width: .6”/15mm

TROJAN

Trojan Twisted Pleasure

Special twisted shape and ribs for sensual friction
Regular length of Trojan condoms, but is 0.25” slimmer at the base than regular Trojan condoms for a snug grip round the shaft.
Base width: 1.75″/44mm
Length: 7.8″/198mm

DUREX

Durex Sensi Thin

Durex’s thinnest latex condom
Slightly snugger width and longer length than most regular sizes. Suitable for long and slender guys.
Base width: 2.0”/5.1mm
Length: 7.9”/200mm

Durex Enhanced Pleasure

Contoured shape for tapered fit around the base and shaft. Is one of the snuggest (and shortest) condoms on the North American market.
Base width: 1.92”/49mm
Length: 6.7”/170mm

LIFESTYLES

Lifestyles Snugger Fit
This is The smallest condom on the North American market.
Unique shape hugs better around shaft and head
Base width: 1.9”/48.26mm
Length: 6.3”/160mm

Beyond Seven

All Beyond7 condoms are approximately 2.0 inches base wide. Check out their condom size chart for more detailed measurements on all their products.

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Our size charts constantly updated, so please join our Facebook, Twitter or RSS feed to keep informed.

OKAMOTO Beyond Seven Condom Size Chart

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Beyond Seven Condoms. Image from UndercoverCondoms.com

Beyond Seven is the fourth largest condom brand in the world and has been around since 1937 starting in Tokyo, Japan. Standard latex condoms are typically .007 inches thick- but the “Sheerlon” latex of Beyond Seven can measure as thin as .004 thickness, offering one of the thinnest condoms (if not the thinnest!) on the market. These condoms tend to have a standard width of 2.0 inches (measuring the condom laying flat) and to be on the slightly shorter side of standard regular condoms (see our guide on standardized condom sizes). These condoms are perfect if you prefer a snug and thin fit. The best thing to do is experiment with different styles to find the right condom for you.

Beyond Seven Ultra Thin

Classical shape, straight walled condom made of Sheerlon latex
Base width: 2.0”/51mm
Length: 7.2”/180mm

Beyond Seven Aloe Enriched

4X more lubricant than standard condoms with natural aloe extract for lasting smoothness
Base width: 2.0”/51mm
Length: 7.2”/180mm

Beyond Seven Crown

Super thin latex makes this a very popular condom
Larger than other Beyond7 products
Classic straight shape
Base width: 2.1”/51mm
Length: 7.5”/190mm

Beyond Seven .004

Zero Zero Four measures the success this condom trumps as being the thinnest condom on the market! Where standard latext condoms are .007, Beyond7 is .004 thickness.
Base width: 2.0”/51mm
Length: 7.2”/180mm

Beyond Seven Studded

The thinnest condom makers also offer studded condoms for those who love extra stimulation.
Studded along the shaft
Base width: 2.0”/51mm
Length: 7.2”/180mm

Beyond Seven Assorted Pack

Perfect those who want to try all that’s offered from Beyond Seven. This sampler contains 24 condoms including Ultra Thins, Crown, Crown .004, Aloe Enriched, Studded, and Assorted Colors.

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If you are experiencing specific condom fitting problems, check out our fitting solutions guide. Or you can leave a comment below and we’ll help you out.

Our size charts constantly updated, so please join our Facebook, Twitter or RSS feed to keep informed.

The “Condom Girl”: Condom Policing is Gender Policing

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“What do you do when you’re detained by powerful officials, everything you say is presumed deceptive, arbitrary “evidence” is held against you, and you’re treated like a moral deviant? And what if its 2013, you’re a woman, and the “evidence” is that you possess condoms?”- Clay Nikiforuk

Say no to condoms as legal evidence. Image from Photobucket.

In March 2013, Clay Nikiforuk was detained at the Quebec/Vermont boarder under suspicion of being a sex worker. The evidence: about 8 condoms and some sexy underwear. Hours of questioning passed over the possible relationship between her lingerie and condoms. Clay was eventually allowed into the US, but found out two weeks later that she had been flagged as a suspected sex worker. A series of consequences followed including limited visa permits, about $1000 in extra travel fees, and more police interrogations.

It’s easy to point at the sexist double standard here. If a young, stereotypically “masculine” man traveled with a pack of condoms and nice underwear his moral integrity would not be questioned. But there is something else at play than slut-shaming alone. Condom policing reinforces standards of what is appropriate female and male sexuality (a.k.a. heteronormativity). And wrapped up in those messy assumptions are racial and class stereotypes.

We have posted other monologues about condom policing before. The NYPD’s tactic of condoms-as-evidence systematically results in gender-based violence. The victims are overwhelmingly non-white transsexual women. This discrimination occurs daily. The news media picks it up from time to time- maybe once a year by questioning whether condoms-as-evidence of sex work is constitutional. In fact, a bill to stop this legal practice has been struggling to pass congress for nearly a decade.

But when condom policing happens to a white, educated young woman (read privilege) the media takes up the issue in a new way- through innocence. Clay writes a response to the media’s representation of her story on Rabble.ca.

“I wasn’t featured nationally in Metro as “Uneducated girl is accused of sex work” but rather as “UBC student.” I didn’t join CBC’s Daybreak show as “Sex worker/adulteress treated as second class citizen” but rather, “Woman files complaint after border crossing nightmare.” So long as I was positioned as privileged, and, sometimes by proxy, innocent, my story had shock value. Because when bad things start happening to innocent, educated white people, they could happen to anyone — or rather, other privileged people. And that is very, very scary.”

“….I’ve stopped answering the point-blank question of whether or not I am, was, or ever will be a sex worker. I like to entertain the half-mad fantasy that no matter whom one has consensual sex with or why, one is irrevocably a human deserving respect and rights. The point is: when sex and sexuality are criminalized, people are made illegal and their rights made moot.”

“….If I were a sex worker, I might have “deserved” the treatment I received, or my detainment might have “made sense.” If I were from a minority group or were not as educated in the English language, my story might not have provoked the shock and outrage that it did. And rather than receiving the reaction “That should never happen to anyone,” often the reaction I still get is “That should never have happened to you.”

Read the entire article at Rabble.ca For more information on the campaign to stop condoms as evidence by police and in court, check out The Red Umbrella Project and End the Use of Condoms as Evidence.