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  • Gwenn’s Condom Research and Personal Use

    Gwenn’s Condom Research and Personal Use

    There’s been a lot of talk in the past 12 months about women’s preferred contraceptive methods. With the coining of the “Pull Out Generation” and the launch of the ACA’s (Affordable Care Act) contraception mandate, much of this talk has been centered around birth control. This is an important discussion that pleases many sex educators: it’s about applying informed choices to people’s lifestyles and relationships, and determining the method that best suits that person’s circumstances.

    However, hardly any time in this discussion has attended to those women who use the simple condom as their primary contraception. Even less attention is given to STI testing and prevention. These important topics have been swept aside and treated as a separate issue that seemingly doesn’t apply to long-term sexual relationships.

    Follow Gwenn on Twitter @GwennBarringer and Facebook
    Follow @GwennBarringer and on Facebook

    I spoke with a woman who fits within that cohort of condom-using relationships. Gwenn Barringer is part of the well known sexual health and HIV activist duo, Shawn and Gwenn. Gwenn wrote her Master’s thesis about condom usage in short term and long term relationships among college women.  Now she is a public speaker and vlogger busy busting HIV ignorance. Her approach?  Using her 15+ years sexual relationship with her HIV positive partner, Shawn, to teach others about sexual health.

    Over email, we talked about Gwenn’s research findings on the likelihood of condom use in “trusting” relationships. We connected her thesis to her personal life and the contraception strategies that she’s chosen. First, Gwenn lays out the terms of her research and main findings:

    Yes, Gwenn found that women in shorter relationships depended on condoms more than women in long term commitments. This wasn’t a big surprise. What was striking was deciphering the meaning of “short” and “long-term”.  Gwenn states, “I found across the literature that a short term relationship was defined as 3 weeks or less, and therefore a long term relationship was defined as more than 3 weeks. This is what I used in my study to define relationship length, so when we are talking about condom use being decreased in long tern relationships, we are talking about a month or so.”

    Gwenn continues: “My findings had a lot to do with the vague notion of trust. Women felt like they trusted their partners at the magic 3 week mark. I wish I had more time back then to go further with the trust notion but that was beyond my scope at the time. I do find anecdotally that college women feel that time spent with a partner equates to trust. And while I understand this, I try to encourage STI testing as a trusting experience.”

    Gwen makes a key point- notions of trust and sexual health are intrinsically linked. This is a fairly general statement because what “trust” actually means varies from person to person. But all contraceptive methods- all consensual sexual acts -involve degrees of trust. “Pulling out” relies on a partner to be in control of his climax. Condoms are also about partner cooperation and protecting each other.

    However, when it comes to public discourse around birth control in long term (heterosexual) commitments, male condoms are often portrayed as unpopular. In fact, some people struggle with getting their partner to use a condom because the other views it as a symbol of distrust in their relationship. Gwenn responds to this contradiction:

    “As far as my thoughts on the condom paradox of trust, I do think that is an interesting observation. I feel like it has to do with trust but also has a lot to do with breaking some fantasies that people have about new partners. When you are in a new relationship often times it seems like everything is perfect and magical. Thinking about or discussing a condom inserts the realities of life into that which isn’t always fun.”

    We ended the interview by Gwenn reflecting on the prevention regime Shawn and her practice. She is quick to debunk the notion that condoms connote distrust and non-commitment.

    “My own relationship has an incredible deal of trust. I don’t think you can really be in a healthy relationship without trust and I certainly don’t think you can be in a serodiscordant relationship without a great deal of trust. That trust for Shawn and I came out of much communication about sex before we ever had sex.”

    “Our prevention strategy is condoms each time we have sex. When we first were together, I was also on hormonal birth control but discontinued that (for reasons not related to Shawn’s status or our sex life) about 6 years ago. So we are also using condoms at this point as pregnancy prevention as well. We have discussed the issue of Shawn’s “infectiousness” due to his undetectable viral load and while we haven’t made any major changes to our sex life because of that, we do feel another level of security because we know it would be highly unlikely for him to transmit HIV to me even if there were a break or slip.”

    There is no single birth control that suits everyone.  However, condoms remain the only birth control that prevents STI infection. The issue of transmission should not be glossed over when discussing contraceptive methods. Furthermore, the conversation needs to include and represent serodiscordant couples and relationships in which both or one partner carries STIs.

    You can read and watch more of Gwenn at her blog and YouTube Channel, Shawn and Gwenn.

  • Condom Myths and Facts: Separating Truth from Fiction

    purple condom

    Let’s set the record straight on condoms. There’s a lot of confusion out there, and myths get tossed around like confetti. Here’s what’s true, what’s false, and what’s just plain weird.

    Myth #1: Condoms Break All the Time

    False! If used correctly, condoms are super reliable. Most breaks happen because of mistakes—like using expired condoms, not enough lube, or incorrect size. The fix? Use the right size, check expiration dates, and add a little water-based lube.

    Myth #2: Condoms Are Only for Preventing Pregnancy

    Nope! Condoms protect against STIs too, including HIV. Even if you’re on birth control, condoms are a good backup and the best defense against infections.

    Myth #3: Two Condoms Are Better Than One

    Definitely not. Doubling up on condoms can actually cause more friction, which increases the chance of breakage. Stick to one good-quality condom.

    Myth #4: Condoms Kill the Mood

    Not true! With so many different options—thin, ribbed, flavored, textured—there’s something for everyone. Add some lube, find the right fit, and condoms can actually make things better.

    Myth #5: You Don’t Need Condoms for Oral Sex

    False. STIs can spread through oral sex too. Flavored condoms are designed for this, and using them keeps things safe without ruining the experience.

    At the end of the day, condoms are about protection and peace of mind. Knowing the facts will keep you safer and way less stressed.

  • How I Contracted HPV and What I Did About It

    How I Contracted HPV and What I Did About It

    This post is written by Tashia Amenerio, founder of the non-profit HPV Awakening.  She writes from her personal experience why she is pushing for HPV be reportable- meaning sexual partners must legally inform each other of their status- and why she urges you to sign the petition to get the FDA to approve HPV testing for men.

    (Un)Knowing HPV

    Graph from the CDC. Fourteen million will become newly infected with HPV this year. This means that almost every sexually active person in the US will acquire HPV at some point in their lives.
    Graph from the CDC. Fourteen million will become newly infected with HPV this year. This means that almost every sexually active person in the US will acquire HPV at some point in their lives.

    When diagnosed with HPV, life as you know it is over. You face disturbing contradictions within the medical community . On the one hand, there are those who describe it as “this generation’s AIDS”. On the other side, you are faced with medical “experts” who don’t know their head from a hole in the ground and tell you that HPV is nothing to worry about.

    Here is the kicker: Most HPV strands, like most cold or flu strands, really don’t do much of anything but chill out in your body having a viral party of genome development. The issue(s) arise when you get people who are knowingly infecting others with cancer causing strands- a crime of which I’m personally all too well aware. And then you have others who are unknowingly transmitting the STI. A major reason for this is because it is not standard practice to get tested for HPV- and there are no official tests made publicly available for males- despite the fact that HPV is the most prevalent STI in North America right now.

    So What Can We Do?

    www.hpvawakening.org.
    www.hpvawakening.org.

    Well, I started a nonprofit HPV Awakening Inc. I lecture all over the Florida and have done a few media interviews. I sit here now writing you about my experiences and I’ve launched a petition that needs 100,000 signatures by May 28th, 2013, so that it can go to the White House to get HPV male testing approved by the FDA. Sign the petition.

    I have contacted several local media stations and sites. And I have tried moving my civil court case to a criminal one in order to have the state acknowledge the fact that HPV cancer strands should be taken as serious as AIDS/HIV strands.

    The Miami DA has kindly informed me that, well, HPV isn’t mentioned in the Florida statute at all. Thus they can’t help me. This is in spite of the fact that my case is backed with the full support from the local police department that filed my report (Miami Gardens), and they are willing to facilitate the investigative work!

    So here is where you the reader come in. What can you do? Well, if you have ever been diagnosed or know someone that has been- I can relate. It sucks and it isn’t easy. And fun (insert EXTREME sarcasm) questions and situations follow diagnosis.

    From Why Me? To What I Will Do About It!

    In my case, I had been a virgin with no sexual experience prior to my ex, so I didn’t have to go through the questioning phase of Who? But I did have to go through the constant questioning phase of Why? After I received my diagnosis and contacted my ex he kindly informed me that he had known but since it hadn’t directly impacted me he hadn’t cared.

    But that wasn’t the only “Why”. The “Why me?” phase kicked in and it kicked in for several of my friends too. Because once you get sick, it isn’t just you. It’s you and those that care about you, or who know you in a caring light- family, acquaintances, associates, co-workers and strangers you disclose to- that are impacted.

    I remember one conversation in particular with a friend of mine that went through a bad life phase (attempted suicide and was a bug chaser at one point in time) sitting on the stairs while we shared a smoke (a short lived habit I picked-up during that “Why be and Why bother” phase). He was crying because he couldn’t understand how “Good people like [me], who never do anything risky end up getting sick and people like [him], who have tried every way possible to be ill and die didn’t.” Easy answer: “I don’t know what a ‘good’ person is, but sometimes Shit Just Happens.” It is a matter of what you do with the situation that counts.

    I finished the cigarette and realized that some habits aren’t worth starting or maintaining just to stay wallowing in self-pity.

    For those of you that are still reading, I say Yay! Thank you in sharing in my past misery. It really does love company.

    Please sign the petition to get HPV male testing approved by the FDA. Go to We The People to sign.

  • Free condom samples

    Free condom samples

    [caption id="attachment_2451" align="alignright" width="300"]Image from UndercoverCondoms.com Image from UndercoverCondoms.com[/caption] Finding a great condom is best done through trial & error. But that can get expensive. Here, we offer sources to ease those test runs- Free Condom Offer Links. The internet has bred so much competition among condom manufacturers, thus leading to many suppliers offering free condom sample packs in the hope that you will come back for more. Flavors, sizes, shapes- you might as well try them all, so here is a list of places in North America that we found to get free condoms. Lucky Bloke: TheyFit Condoms (UK) Follow them on twitter @TheyFitCondoms and check out their website for latest offers. Beyond Seven: They ask you to fill out a survey first, but it is a totally free sample of a condom in their range. Click here to go to their form. Relax Condoms I think these are only available in Canada as they are Licensed by Health Canada. Anyway, they will send you a completely free sample. Click here for more. NYC Condom Residents of NYC can get free male and female condoms and lubricants by visiting various establishments in the city or calling 311. Organizations can order online here. Condom USA They offer a range of Durex and Japanese condom 10 packs for free, but you have to pay for delivery, unless you order other stuff with them. Delivery is typically around $5, which is still cheaper than buying a 10 pack from the pharmacy. Click here. Often you can also get free condoms at Planned Parenthood. See their website for more details. This list is by all means not a full comprehensive list and we will be looking at expanding it whenever we find a new way to get condoms for free. Please let us know of any free condom programs, or if any of the links above no longer work. Thanks for reading.

  • Condoms: Can’t live with ’em; Can’t live without ’em

    Condoms: Can’t live with ’em; Can’t live without ’em

    My relationship with condoms is conflicted. I don’t completely trust any condoms. And yet, I have to use them because they are my only option as a heterosexual male. First I’ll explain why I use condoms. The I’ll explain why my dislike for them always lingers: Can’t live with ’em; can’t live without them.

    tight ropeI use condoms for three reasons: 1) I don’t want to contract an infection or disease. 2) I don’t want children without being prepared and 3) I do not like how hormonal birth control changes a woman’s body, her emotional and natural cycles. Why I dislike condoms is because, for me, they often don’t feel good and they do not always work.

    My reaction the time a condom last broke on me was pretty interesting.

    I was using a new condom that my friend suggested we try. It was Kimono Mirco Thin Large. The condom fit a little tight at the base, but drop a bit of lube on and how it feels during sex is great. It was so thin and sensitive, I honestly don’t remember feeling the condom ever breaking.

    I remember confiding in my partner the worry that condoms are not always guaranteed to work. Of course, she protested my comment. I don’t blame her. Condoms are the best option and just because there is the chance that they might break is still a stronger safety net than not using anything at all. Coincidentally, that same day we went through this experience.

    When we were finished, I pulled out and saw my naked penis pierced through the top of the condom. My initial reaction was, “Oh Shit! The condom broke.”

    Shock and worry flashed through me. But I knew everything would be fine because Plan B could be bought over the counter. Honestly, I think my partner was more distraught than I was. However, I didn’t make anything easier because I started to make jokes about how I just told her I didn’t completely trust condoms.

    It killed the mood. However, it raised my awareness about how important it is to experiment with different condoms and research different condom sizes and fits. I now know my trust in Kimono condoms has expired. And I have yet to find a condom that fits me perfectly.

    Condom breakage is so dangerous. What if I didn’t have money for Plan B (a generic brand costs about $40), or what if I contracted an infection? It’s so frustrating that even when being safe and responsible, there is always a level of risk.

    What I’ve learned from this experience is that I should take the time to get to know my partner to the point of feeling comfortable talking about STI history as well as what we do in the event of safe sex malfunction. I really need to do more research on condoms that fit me correctly and don’t cause irritation.

    Any suggestions would be most welcomed! So while I continue to struggle with condoms I can’t give up on them. Abstinence is the ultimatum I’m not willing to succumb to.

    Monologues are independent stories and the opinions shared are the author’s own.

     

  • Why We Still Need #CondomWeek

    Why We Still Need #CondomWeek

    What is condom week?

    Condom week is a national campaign to raise awareness not only about the importance of safer sex, but also how condoms can add to your sexual pleasure. Yes, contrary to popular belief, condoms don’t make sex less good. Many studies have found that those who report condoms reduce pleasure are men and women who do not use condoms, or don’t use them often. In other words, people who use condoms often- because they approach it with a better attitude and because they’ve learned what condoms they like- report greater pleasure with protected sex. Attitude, condom education and experience all play a role in sexual satisfaction.

    That, my friends, is why we need National Condom Week.condom week

    Condom Week lands at a time in our calendar when people are puckered up with Valentine’s sweets. From Valentine’s Day to February 21st, while the air is plush with intimacy, what better time to integrate safer sex into the national conscience and give out lots of free condoms!

    Condom Week originally began at the University of California in the 1970s, and has grown into a educational event for high schools, colleges, family planning organizations, AIDS groups, sexually transmitted disease awareness groups, pharmacies and condom manufacturers. Planned Parenthood and Advocates for Youth are just a few of the hundreds of non-profit organizations who participate in Condom Week, setting up sex education booths at universities all over the country and distributing over 50,000 free condoms. These booths, as well as open public seminars, will discuss topics such as safer oral sex, using lube with condoms, internal condoms, consent, and how to talk safer sex with your lover.

    So again, if National Condom Week has been celebrated to raise awareness since the 1970s, why do we still need it today?

    Because…

    – Only 19 states require that, if provided, sex education in school must be medically, factually or technically accurate. That leaves schools in 31 states without fact-based sex education oversight!

    Over 19 million people in the United States are diagnosed with an STI. That number increases dramatically if we account for those who do not know their status.

    Two-thirds of all individuals who acquire an STI are younger than 25.

    – In 2013, 66 percent of sexually active male high school students reported that they or their partner used a condom at most recent sexual intercourse, compared to only 53 percent of females.

    More than 1.2 million people in the United States are living with HIV infection, and almost 1 in 7 (14%) are unaware of their infection.

    – The United States continues to have one of the highest teen pregnancy rates in the developed world (68 per 1,000 women aged 15–19 in 2008)—more than twice that of Canada (27.9 per 1,000) or Sweden (31.4 per 1,000).

    If I haven’t convinced you yet to celebrate National Condom Week, jump over to this article by Heather Corrina which debunks all the condom myths you’ve probably faced.

    Do your part in public health and stay aware.

  • Yes, Condoms Deserve A Holiday Too!

    Yes, Condoms Deserve A Holiday Too!

    Forget the Valentine’s Day candies and roses. What better way to gear up for Vday romance than celebrating International Condom Day! (#ICD2015 to you, Twitter.)

    This year the AHF is changing the way we think about condoms.
    This year the AHF is changing the way we think about condoms.

    February 13th marks this holiday of awareness as a time to educate and celebrate safer sex. World, be prepared for thousands of free condom dispensaries and numerous safer sex events across 31 countries. In the US, the AHF (AIDS Health Organization) has organized 37 events in 12 states including some “hot zones” like the District of Colombia, which has the highest national rate of HIV in the country; and Mississippi and Texas, two states which have some of the strictest laws against public sex education and (by no coincidence) the highest national average of teen pregnancies.

    Indeed, there is plenty to celebrate when it comes to condoms.

    The first being that condoms are the most effective method available today that protects against both STIs and accidental pregnancy. Can’t beat that.

    Each year, the AHF curates this holiday around a theme. This year’s theme is “Coolness”; that is, “Condoms Are Cool”. Now, before you roll your eyes and think, “Not another lame, out-of-touch attempt to get youth to use condoms,” I challenge you to check out the AHF corresponding video series. They launched a trio of videos related to young people buying condoms at a local corner shop or “bodega”.

    Here is the first of the AHF’s “Bodega Nights” video series. Trust me, you have never seen a condom commercial like this one. Unlike traditional public service announcements (PSAs) that are overtly serious and fear-based, this one actually combines condoms with confidence, fun and sexiness.

    The coolness doesn’t stop there. In addition to their “Bodega Nights” video series, the AHF also released a catchy party song. It is a condom-related parody of one of today’s global hits, Pharrell Williams’s “Happy”. The hope is to renew attention of the importance of safer sex in a way that will never go out of style.

    Because I wrap it
    Put it on and get in on, if that’s what you want to do.
    Because I wrap it,
    Cause you know that you are hot, and these condoms sure are cool.
    Because I wrap it
    Wrap it, put your hands up, and let yourself be free,
    Because I wrap it
    Just love your self enough to know that protection is the key.
    – “Because I Wrap It” by Danny Fernandez

    You can listen to the song and download the lyrics for your Karaoke pleasures here.

    View more domestic and international Condom Day events here.

  • Can You Just Notice Me Please?

    Can You Just Notice Me Please?

    This monologue was submitted anonymously via Tell Your Story page.

    He’s in my sixth period study hall, but I don’t really think he knows I exist because he sort of sits on one side of the room while I stare intently at him from the other side... (photo from Max Klingensmith)
    He’s in my sixth period study hall, but I don’t really think he knows I exist because he sort of sits on one side of the room while I stare intently at him from the other side… (photo from Max Klingensmith)

    S-so do you ever want to…like grab someone very very gently by the shoulders, look deep into their eyes and then shake them semi-violently whilst screaming “LOVE MEEE.”

    No? Just me? Right…

    So there’s this guy. Kevin. He’s in my sixth period study hall, but I don’t really think he knows I exist cause he sort of sits on one side of the room while I stare intently at him from the other side with what I call my “I’m-secretly-sending-multiple-pictures-of-your-face-to-my-best-friend” cell phone position.

    Don’t give me that look, I mean I’m not stalking him. We…acknowledge each other on occasion…

    Like the other day he walked by my desk and he was like “Hey,” and I was like “Oh ha hey how’s it going? Is that a new sweater? I don’t I’ve seen it on you before. Green is definitely your color.”

    And at that point, he kind of walked away awkwardly, so I either creeped him out or he just didn’t hear me, but to save time I’ll just go with the latter.

    I tried my best to not be obvious, really I did! I just wasn’t that good at it… But how obvious does a girl have to be before the stupid guy is like: HEY GUYS. HA I THINK THIS ONE MIGHT LIKE ME.

    I mean, I straighten my hair, which is curly and not like curly curly like frizzy curly that takes four score and seven years to straighten.

    I even put on make up. Which is a whole argumentative essay presented in MLA format with six paragraphs and a two page works cited all on its own.

    I won’t even mention the fake eyelashes…actually I will. Let me enlighten every male specimen in this building. I glued small fibers of hair to my eyelid for this kid. Honestly.

    And all I got. Was. “Hey.” So yeah. Hey.

    Would violence be an appropriate response?

    Monologues are independent stories and the opinions shared are the author’s own.

     

  • There Is No Cancer in #CondomTruth

    There Is No Cancer in #CondomTruth

    Fear-based condom marketing is the real “cancer” here.

    condom_truthLast month, a new condom brand called Sustain began promoting a petition that demands the FDA to “Get Carcinogens Out of Condoms”. The possibility that condoms could cause cancer will scare the shit out of consumers and make them think twice about what condoms they invest in (that is, if they don’t turn away from condoms entirely).

    And that’s exactly how Sustain wants you to react.

    They center business principles around transparency, thus, making it their duty to educate the public of lurking dangers within the condom industry: “Fear not. Because their product is clean of any health risks. Want to avoid carcinogens? Sustain is your best and only option.”

    Thankfully, these grand claims have not passively swept under the radar.

    Melissa White’s investigation on RH Reality Check, Cigarrettes Cause Cancer, Condoms Don’t, reveals that the petition is based on a non-scientific, non-peer reviewed study, which is partly financed by Sustain themselves. Despite the fact the World Health Organization has never found any condom carrying health threatening amounts of nitrosamines, the study continues to favor Sustain over other condom brands; competitive brands which also profit in the vegan, fair-trade condom niche. As a result of White’s call-out, the group that conducted the study publicly clarified their findings stating that, indeed, there is no scientific proof that any condoms cause cancer.

    Leave that worry to rest. Great! But the real issue at hand is the company’s irresponsible marketing and misuse of information.

    Sustains efforts to “cleanse” the condom market of (unfounded) health risks is clearly motivated by business profit at the detriment of public health. In reality, to tout that “all other condoms except ours cause cancer” is a dangerous lie. As Melissa White states, Sustain’s marketing strategy has “the potential to unravel decades of committed work focused on saving lives through encouraging condom use and education.”

    It’s completely unethical to skew consumer information with fear-tactics. The last thing we need is more lies to fuel safer sex stigma and condom hate. Hence we must to counteract.

    Join the #CondomTruth campaign!

    SHARE THE ARTICLE: Cigarettes Cause Cancer, Condoms Don’t http://bit.ly/1w5jzd3

    TWEET: copy/paste these tweets or make your own

    – Cigarettes Cause Cancer. Condoms Don’t. http://bit.ly/1w5jzd3 #condomtruth #bettercondoms

    – I prefer my fiction at the library. Stop the misuse of safer sex information. http://bit.ly/1w5jzd3 #condomtruth

    – Faulty studies & scare tactics risk lives http://bit.ly/1w5jzd3 #condomtruth #bettercondoms

    – Misleading marketing hurts public health http://bit.ly/1w5jzd3 #condomtruth #bettercondoms

    – Trust #science, not misleading marketing http://bit.ly/1w5jzd3 #condomtruth #bettercondoms

    – Choose condoms with ethics not scare tactics http://bit.ly/1w5jzd3 #condomtruth #bettercondoms

    TWEET at Sustain Condoms and share your thoughts with the campaign hashtag: #condomtruth

    @sustaincondoms
    @JeffHollender (Sustain’s Founder)
    @missmeiks (Sustain’s co-founder)

    Let’s take a stand and remind Sustain what true business transparency really means. 

  • Limp On Condoms

    Limp On Condoms

    A one night stand of fun, no-strings-attached sex was exactly what I needed. Undesired, however, was a man who went limp at the sight of condoms.

    condom_cmWe quickly hooked up. Hot, passionate kissing that evolved into a scene of heavy lust. Before we gravitated to the bedroom I asked him if he had condoms on him as I was unprepared- guilty as charged. Pleased that he did, we confidently carried on without inhibition.

    He was over 40 years old. To me that signaled “experienced”. Plus being an amazing kisser, I was so excited to share me body with him.

    He handed me a Lifestyles KYNG. Up pops the first warning sign. I thought to myself, “This guy doesn’t need a large size condom.” He was perfectly average. But this wasn’t the right time to bust his misplaced ego. However, the wrong fit could put us at risk of malfunction, so I planned that if the condom seemed too loose I’d simply ask if he had a different stock of rubbers.

    But a greater malfunction occurred.

    I peeled open the condom. As I rolled it on him, his shaft instantaneously went soft, softer. Limp. “Urgh, I hate condoms!” He exhaled. “I never had to use them in my last relationship. I’m not use to them.”

    Guess this 40 year old wasn’t as experienced as I imagined.

    My story isn’t rare. I’ve encountered different versions by my friends and peers that, even in clear non-monogamous scenarios, men will complain that condoms dull sex- as if sex is not worth it if it involves a condom! This puts the other person in an incredibly confusing situation. It’s an act of disrespect for the person’s well-being to complain and try to adverse protective sex.

    Speaking from my own experience, I felt it was implied that the problem was that I wanted to use protection. This guy wasn’t just complaining. There was a real physical disdain against the condom. An initial wave of pity ran through me- how embarrassed he must feel for this involuntary action- followed by a flash of insecurity in myself.

    Feelings of doubt were brief. Doubts in my own sexual worth and worry that this man is now going to feel we can’t have great sex because I insist on condoms. I consciously had to fight these powerless thoughts and remind myself that condoms to me equal hot, worry free sex. It’s hot because it’s a gesture of taking care of each other and of being socially responsible. Intelligence is sexy.

    Besides, a man who doesn’t like condoms and obviously doesn’t know how a condom should fit, is another warning sign that he likely has had unprotected sex before and likely has an STI.

    My response: I told him that we can keep trying. And we did, manually. Two condoms later, no improvement in his stamina. So, penetration was out, but that didn’t stop us from enjoying each other in different ways. He was respectful in that way.

    Our relationship is left with my offer to help him find the right condom that’s perfect for him. This of course means plenty of trial and exploration ahead. So this may become a tale of a condom hater converted to condom lover. We shall see.

    Monologues are independent stories and the opinions shared are the author’s own.

     

  • 3 People and An HIV Positive Baby?

    3 People and An HIV Positive Baby?

    The problem is so common there is a term for it. Andrew shares his personal struggle trying to deter the “bug chasers” from his “gift” (NSFW).

    drewsmonologueI have been around the block quite a lot and I thought I had seen and read everything and that nothing would shock me…but I was wrong! A few years ago I was chatting with friends on Gaydar when a bisexual husband and wife started talking with me. At first all was going well- just casual chats. Soon this changed to a very sexually infused conversation so I told them I was HIV+. I thought that this would be the end of it and that I would get the usual comments back when I disclosed that I carry what some had labelled “THE GAY PLAGUE”.

    But much to my shock they got even more eager and horny saying ,“Oh please fuck us bareback!”

    Now don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t even here looking for sex, let alone sex without a condom. I tried getting rid of these people who seemed to be looking to become positive but this didn’t work. So I tried explaining to them the downsides to having a disease like this: the tiredness, the slow healing, stigma and losing friends and family due to misunderstandings. None of this sunk in. If anything, it seemed to turn them on even more. By this time, I had resorted to my basic instincts and frankly told them where they could insert their desires and that I wanted nothing to do with them.

    Now I’m not a fan of children in anyway and avoid them and their screaming like a medieval person would avoid a plague infested rat, but on this occasion I had to act.

    You see, what got anger levels way up was they had said above all else they wanted me to fuck the wife bareback filling her with my “poz seed” and making sure that she fell pregnant by me so that they could have a positive baby! I felt sick and disgusted and so scared of the fact that there were people that not only wanted to be “POZ” themselves but would actively seek to create a new life- a baby who would be born with this terrible life-altering disease.

    So I did what any decent human being would; I blocked the people, warned the room, and even spoke to Gaydar themselves, letting them know that the profile in question was seeking to purposefully contract “HIV” and to get the lady pregnant with a “positive” baby.

    Gaydar said that it wasn’t within their control and that they didn’t have the right to tell people what they could or couldn’t do on their website and that I should just ignore them. Now I wasn’t satisfied with this outcome so I turned to the charity which offers advice to people about “HIV” and other STIs, ‘Terrance Higgins Trust’. I thought that they would agree with me and make a stand; tell Gaydar to block these people from the site and at least help educate people more. But no. They said as well that they couldn’t control what people did and that it wasn’t their place to tell Gaydar what to do.

    I was lost and didn’t know what to do about this situation aside from carrying on telling people who wanted bareback with a positive person that they would be very sorry and have to deal with so much grief both from stigma and dealing with side effects of medication. Most people saw how stupid what they wanted was and changed their minds but some still went on looking and would search out those that were known as “Gift Givers” who would infect these “Bug Chasers”, as they called themselves.

    Due to this situation, I have avoided Gaydar. Once people had learned I was HIV Positive they were drawn like bees to honey and it depressed me so much seeing their stupidity time and time again that I would at times cry.

    There were a few things I realised due to this terrible event. The education of sexually communicable diseases needs to be increased and made openly available along with better display of condoms in shops, and that websites and other places that people can go for sex take more responsibility for dealing with people who are actively searching for the “GIFT” of disease from those people who are infected.

    Monologues are independent stories and the opinions shared are the author’s own.