Category: Monologues

Poster Child of DOMA: Testifying the impacts of marriage inequality

LGBTQ-logue 004.

I’m a tangible poster child for why DOMA should be repealed. If someone asks what’s unfair about our marriage not being recognized in all states, I can offer several examples, but here is the most glaring one: I’m dying. I have a terminal illness and I pretty much know my life span. My wife and I have been together since 1993, and we’re legally married in the state of California, yet the federal government does not recognize our marriage and the rights included therein.- Cathy, written testimony submitted before the Committee on the Judiciary, Respect for Marriage Act, July 20 2011.

Important markers in US human rights history this week! Hillary Clinton formally endorses marriage equality and next week the Supreme Court makes a decision on the repeal of the discriminatory Defense of Marriage Act. For our weekly LGBTQlogue Initiative, we look back at beginning stages to repeal DOMA through the testimony of Cathy.

Cathy is an activist dedicated to repealing DOMA and raising awareness about ALS.

Cathy and her wife have been together for twenty years. Cathy is dying from Lou Gehrig’s disease with a life expectancy of one to five years. Because the federal government does not recognize their marriage, Cathy’s wife will not receive her social security survivor benefits after she passes away. Instead, Cathy’s social security will go to the government. In her written testimony for the Committee on the Judiciary of the Respect for Marriage Act, Cathy explains how DOMA denies her family basic rights and stability that come with federal recognition of marriage. Cathy hopes to live long enough to see DOMA nullified.

In January 2009, I was diagnosed with Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis (ALS) a.k.a. Lou Gehrig’s disease. This is a progressive, fatal neuromuscular disease. Most people with ALS die 2 to 5 years after diagnosis….I have a powerful incentive to live long enough to see the federal government recognize our marriage. Without this recognition, my wife will not receive my social security benefits.

I met my wife in 1993 and we had our first unofficial wedding celebration on June 16, 2001. In February of 2004, we were one of thousands of couples who got married in San Francisco City Hall after Gavin Newsom honored our rights to marry. We had to travel three times to San Francisco in attempts get our marriage license because we weren’t allowed to schedule appointments as is done for heterosexuals. With thousands of other couples, we had to line up for blocks in rain, fog, cold, and wind for up to thirteen hours each trip. Our determination and steadfast love prevailed. The fourth time, we, like other couples, were allowed to schedule appointments and receive our marriage license. We exchanged vows immediately after in the glory of the S.F. City Hall rotunda. We framed our marriage license from the County of San Francisco, which the courts later nullified.

Again we did not give up. We were one of the 18,000 gay couples who did get married legally in California before California’s Proposition 8 put an end to gay marriages in the state. Our marriage is still considered valid in California, so we do have the same rights as any married couple in California.

However, when we step out of California, or deal with federal laws, we have none of those rights. This means if my wife and I travel out of state and my ALS requires a trip to the emergency room or a hospital stay, my wife could be denied the right to be with me at a time when I could be breathing my last breath.

When I die, [my wife] will not get my social security benefits. For heterosexual couples all over the country, when a person dies, their spouse gets their social security benefits. You get a monthly stipend because you’ve been paying into social security all your working life. You then draw off that money after you retire and if you die, it goes to your spouse or your dependent.

However, since the federal government does not recognize our marriage, [my wife] won’t get that. All the money I would have gotten to help support us if I were to grow older just goes back to the government. [My wife] can’t have it.

I contacted attorneys to see if there was anything I could do. They told me that, in the eyes of the federal government, I have no spouse. A few friends suggested that I legally adopt my wife, but the only way I could do that was if she were mentally incompetent. I don’t have any children so when I die my hard-earned money goes back into a government that doesn’t honor our legal California vows. Not only will my wife suffer [the loss of her] life companion, she will suffer financially.

Although some people consider social security benefits to be of minimal help, in this case it could mean the difference of my wife being able to pay her rent. We are not wealthy and, even though we are known regionally as “rock stars,” most of our years together we lived paycheck to paycheck. We did inherit some money after my brother Larry died of ALS, but most of this was spent on pre-paying my cremation, the death certificates, and taking care of other legal matters upon my death.

So once again I emphasize that with DOMA currently in place, the absence of social security benefits will burden [my wife] during her already stressful and sorrowful grief and mourning. Because her immediate and extended families shun her, they certainly will not be helping her emotionally or financially. As more of my family members die of ALS, my wife’s support system will continue to diminish.

We had a well-known duo, Duval Speck, a band, The Essentials, and produced three CDs. We performed all over California for LGBT rights and celebrations, ALS Benefits, and at “mainstream” public events. We never changed a word in any song, which made us vulnerable to “haters.” For example, if the lyrics were: “I fell in love with her, and knew she’d be my wife; I would comfort her for all of her life,” we’d never switch “her” to “him.”

In 2009, the first year and a half after I was diagnosed, we produced, directed and performed in many benefit concert fundraisers for ALS. Sadly, the ALS has now taken away my ability to sing, and my arms and hands hurt and are too weak to play percussion. On Sept 25, 2010 we put on a hugely successful concert for ALS. That was the last time either of us performed.

My wife, is also my caregiver. Doing her job, the tasks that I can’t do anymore, putting me to bed, cooking and monitoring how I eat, and making sure I can breathe, doesn’t leave much time for making music. If you have ever heard her play guitar and sing, you’d agree that she is uniquely wonderful. This is such a horrible loss for her and our friends and fans.

I have to sleep with special equipment to deliver oxygen now, and my energy continues to decline. My degree of fatigue determines what I can accomplish each day. Nothing, and if you could see my face right now, you’d know I mean nothing will dampen my spirit. And, I hold onto hope that if I live long enough, maybe the laws will change and the federal government will recognize our marriage. That keeps me getting out of bed in the morning, striving for LGBT equal rights, and continuing to raise funds to find a cause and cure for ALS.

.….if you want a real-life example of why DOMA is unjust, I’m right here–a 51-year-old woman dying from ALS (a disease our society tends to hide) and my wife, 53, with still plenty of life to live. I’m the “poster child” for “Repeal DOMA” and “Defeat ALS.” Some people in our great country don’t think we’re as good as they are, and don’t think we deserve the same rights. Well, we are as “good as they are” and we do deserve the same marriage rights. Go ahead and plaster my story on every wall and every screen.

I’m not dead yet. Even the terminally crippling disease of ALS won’t stop me as I strive to open hearts and eyes, so that all may live with love and equality.

Original (PDF) found on MarriageEquality.org

Cathy has a blog: check it out.

March 20, 2013
Walking While Trans: police profiling and abuse of LGBTQ communities of color in Queens

LGBTQ 003. In this entry of our LGBTQ-Logue Initiative, posting mementos of sexual justice issues, we share narratives from participants in a study about the gender-based violence that police regularly commit against LGBTQ and gender nonconforming people.

Illustration by Molly Crabapple. Posted with permission. Found on Vice Mag.

In response to the rise of complaints about hate violence and police abuse against LGBTQ people in Jackson Heights, especially among people of color, the community-based organization Make the Road NY (MRNY) and the Anti-Violence Project (AVP) conducted a preliminary study to ascertain the extent of the problems with police. Between 2011 and 2012, MRNY and AVP collected over 300 surveys with LGBTQ and gender nonconforming people in Jackson Heights. Interviews were conducted by outreach workers and volunteers through street, bar, and nightclub outreach, as well as within support groups and community meetings.

They found that LGBTQ, and transgender respondents in particular, reported higher rates of police stops compared to non-LBGTQ respondents. Transgender residents of color were the most likely to experience police harassment and physical abuse when stopped. 46% of transgender respondents reported some form of physical abuse from police compared to 28% of non-LGBTQ respondents. Narrative evidence obtained through interviews reveals the kind of physical harassment experienced such as handling, pushing, shoving and sexual harassment.

These are not just selective, one-off narrative accounts. On the contrary, they are shared because they reflect general tends respondents experience with the NYPD in Queens.

Carolina describes being intrusively searched by police:

About 2 years ago something terrible happened when I was out in Jackson Heights. My girlfriend and I were on our way to a club when the police stopped us. It was about midnight. The police stopped us and asked for our IDs. My girlfriend had hers but I didn’t have mine with me at the time. At that moment the police started to frisk me and search my pants. Because I dress very masculine they started telling me to ‘shut up you fucking dyke.’ They started to feel my breasts and search in that area (they were male cops and they’re not suppose to do that). They then proceeded to put me against the wall and told me to spread my legs. They searched me between my legs like I was a criminal. I told them that I didn’t consent to their search. But they said that they were ‘the authority’ and that they could do ‘whatever the fuck they wanted’ with me. I felt humiliated because I knew that even if I said something no one would believe me. Also, because of my immigration status I was afraid to say anything and get deported.- Lesbian woman, Jackson Heights (MRNY 2012, pg. 20)

Another interviewee, Juan, reported being drag by her hair down the block.

I was walking down the street with my partner on 34^th Avenue and a police car pulled over and told us to get near the car. When the police officer saw that I was dressed as a woman he pulled my wig, held my hair and dragged me down 34^th Avenue for 1 or 2 blocks. – Gay Latino man who cross dresses at night, Queens (Ibid: pg. 20).

Other narratives reflect violence committed by police and the unjust treatment carried out while in custody.

I was getting out of a club and heading to a friend’s house in a cab. When I got to her apartment, I found that the police were stopping her and asking her to produce ID. They were talking to her in English. I intervened and told the officers that she didn’t speak English and that her ID was in her apartment, which we were in front of. I told them that I could get her ID from her apartment. The officers told me to shut up and arrested both me and my friend. The police used a lot of force while arresting us and said some homophobic and transphobic remarks in the process. They put us in the back of their car and started laughing at us with other police officers who were also there. I asked one of the officers to please open the window a bit more because we were out of breath, to which he responded by pepper spraying my directly in my face and mouth. Since we were trapped in the back of the car, the pepper spray also started asphyxiating my friend. I started kicking the car door and asking them to please let us out. They opened the door and dragged me out of the car and started beating me up outside the car, while using transphobic and homophobic remarks. It was a very confusing, demeaning and unjust experience, I ended up being in jail for two days without representation and was intensely harassed by officers while I was in custody.- Transgender Latina woman, Queens (Ibid: pg. 18).

Part of that harassment involves arbitrary stops on suspicion of prostitution, which takes place in the form of a charge of “loitering for the purpose of prostitution”- a misdemeanor that allows for broad officer discretion. The profiling of transgender women as sex workers is so common that there is a term for it: “walking while trans”.

Arrests can be made on the basis of how tight one’s clothing is and how many condoms are on the person, which will be used as evidence in court. If convicted for prostitution, the person will lose social benefits like food stamps and subsidized housing. As a result, transgender women are especially fearful that any condom in their possession will be used as evidence against them.

The survey participants commonly reported stops that seemed to be without basis but in which the police officers later justified the stop by charging the person with prostitution because condoms were found on their person.

Cristina explained how the police did not believe that her boyfriend was not a patron and the officers confiscated three condoms off of her.

One night I was with my boyfriend at a club in Jackson Heights, Queens. At around 4am we left the club together and walked home. We were walking next to each other. At one point an undercover police van stopped next to us. Eight undercover cops got out from the van and some of them threw me against the wall. While they were handcuffing me, my boyfriend was also through to the wall and they frisked him. They told me I was being arrested for sex work. I told them that I was not doing anything like that. After they frisked my boyfriend, they frisked me and found three condoms, after seeing the condoms they asked if I was sure that I was not working. I told them that I was with my boyfriend and they said that he was not my boyfriend. I told one of the female cops to help me and that I was not doing anything wrong. She said that she couldn’t help me out. My boyfriend came to the 110^th Precinct where I was held and spoke to the captain; he tried to explain that I was his girlfriend and that I was with him. But the captain said that he couldn’t do anything. I was taken to court and was accused of sex work.– Transgender woman, Jackson Heights (Ibid: pg 21).

Another interviewee describes being jumped by undercover cops and experiencing repetitive humiliation and harassment while in custody:

Last week, I went out dancing at a small night club on Roosevelt Avenue. After having a good time and feeling ready to go home, I contacted my friends so that we could meet at a small taqueria before we all headed home. Meeting up at the taqueria after a night out is routine for us because the tacos are really good, and it’s also the only way we know that our circle of friends is safe.

While on my way to the taqueria, I was approached by a dark colored car driven by a middle-aged male. As the male pulled alongside me, he said something I couldn’t hear properly. As I did not hear what the male was saying, I inched a little closer to his vehicle and he repeated, ‘Why are you so beautiful and yet alone?’ Before I knew it, two undercover officers jumped out of a van that was parked along the street and told me that I was under arrest. When I asked the officer’s why they are arresting me, they told that I was ‘engaging in prostitution’.

They cuffed me and the officers questioned me further, took my purse away from me and placed me into the unmarked van. Although I had nothing on me and did nothing wrong, they still took me, transferred me into another police van filled with about a dozen trans-women and then took us all down to the 115^th Precinct where we were fingerprinted, written up and later transferred to the central booking. My experience in the holding cell at central booking was terrible. I was humiliated inside of the holding cell by the guards and the men who occupied the cell with me. The guards would not all me anything other than bread and water to eat and I was not allowed to use the toilet when I needed to go. Tears streamed down my face as for the first time I was encountering the daily harassment that transwomen face for just walking home.-Transgender Latina woman, Queens (Ibid: pg. 17).

And it doesn’t just happen at night after clubbing. It also happens while doing routine daily activities such as walking the dog or grocery shopping. Here is just one testimony of many from the MRNY study.

I am transgender. I was walking to the store near my house on Roosevelt Avenue when two cops stopped and arrested me. When I asked why I was being arrested, they replied, ‘Because you are pretty.’ They charged me with loitering for prostitution when I was only walking down the street.- Transgender Latina woman, Queens (Ibid: pg. 17)

This profiling and abuse has been documented extensively across the US by Amnesty International (2005), the PROS Network (2011) and Human Rights Watch (2012), to name a few. All studies conclude that there needs to be more done within the legal system and law enforcement culture to address homophobic and transphobic attitudes and discriminatory policing against LBGTQ people. Suggestions include LGBTQ liaison units to police forces and integrating LGBTQ issues into officer education and professional development.

There is also a bill to end the use of condoms as evidence of sex work. Since 1999, a coalition of people in the sex trades, allies, and community-based organizations have been working to pass the No Condoms As Evidence bill into law in NY state. In 2012, a report by the PROS Network and Sex Worker Project revealed how the use of condoms as evidence of prostitution is creating a public health crisis because it is deterring targeted populations from carrying condoms. This is “deeply concerning”, writes Emma Caterine of the Red Umbrella Project, as people in the sex trade and gender nonconforming people are often most at risk of contracting sexually transmitted infections. “To combat this violence and promote safer sex, we must stop the use of condoms as evidence by both police and prosecutors (RH Reality Check, 2013).”

On April 23^rd, 2013, Red Umbrella Project will be lobbying in Albany, NY to get the No Condoms as Evidence bill passed by representatives. For more information on this bill and how you can get involved, check out their website.

March 15, 2013
Video Storytelling about ‘Coming Out’ by a Mormon

LGBTQ-Logue 002.
“So, are you dating anyone.”
“Nope.” I shamelessly replied.
“Well that’s not good.” my bishop said.
“I don’t want to date anyone.”
Then my bishop looked at me, “Do you experience feelings of same-gender attraction?” What?! All I said is I don’t want to date anyone, how does he…? ‘This is real. Oh gosh, this is very real.’ I paused a good while. I looked at my bishop and in a weak voice replied, “Yeah.”
I had never wanted to die more than that moment. Finally realizing the fact. Affirming the fact. Loathing the fact. Breaking through the denial was almost more than I could take. A few words were exchanged and then my bishop looked at me and with genuine empathy said, “That sucks.” – A Gay Mormon Coming Out, Jimmy Hales

Coming out can be a big event- or not. It is a process that’s as individual as you are. And so are the ways of remembering and expressing what coming out is like. Jimmy Hales (blogger and student at the Mormon university BYU) decided to “come out” publicly through video. And a very entertaining video indeed.

Over the course of a year, Jimmy recorded the reactions of his “coming out” to his sister, mother and friends. Many of them don’t believe him at first. Some say they’ve had their suspicions. Overall, it’s an upbeat and chipper mini-doc. And it works to address some fears and misconceptions about coming out and about homosexuality. On his blog, Jimmy explains that he wanted to show others (gay or not) that a Mormon “coming out” isn’t that bad. It can be positive. He also explains how the Church excludes non-heterosexuals by not addressing what is expected of a gay member of the church. Do the rules of celibacy apply to gays? He had to search long and hard and alone for answers.

We thought this was an important memento to share for #2 of the LGBT-Logue Series because there are virtually no representations of -and by- openly gay young Mormons. Do enjoy.

ORIGINAL: by Jimmy Hales. Found on Upworthy

March 6, 2013
Remembering Stonewall: Excerpts from the First Documentary Made on the Riots

LGBTQ-Logue 001.

“The archives of lesbian culture…created four years after Stonewall, owes, at least for my part, it’s creation to that night and the courage that found its voice in the streets. That night, in some very deep way, we finally found our place in history. Not as a dirty joke, not as a doctor’s case study, not as a freak- but as a people.” – Joan Nestle, Co-founder of Lesbian Herstory Archives (Remembering Stonewall, aired 1989 on PBS Radio).

image sourced from wikipedia.org

For some, modern history is indexed by the pre-Stonewall and post-Stonewall eras. The 1969 Stonewall Upraising is marked as the first time the LGBTQ community resisted routine police raids and arrests at a time when it was illegal for queers to congregate in public.

All great movements require catalyst- whether it’s premeditated or unplanned- a bandwagon that cements conviction in the will of those affected by injustice; when people discover they are not alone. What starts a movement will be determined by different (sometimes opposing) perspectives, most of which will never be recorded in popular history. Stonewall is one of those seminal events in which thousands who were involved (directly and indirectly) have never had their experiences recognized in official documentation…until 20 years later. StoryCorps founder David Isay with Michael Scherker produced the first documentary of any medium about the Stonewall uprising.

This radio documentary premiered on NPR’s All Things Considered Weekend Edition in 1989. It records multiple testimonies of the event including drag queens who stood up to police, a police marshal who led the raid, and young activists who founded the Gay Liberation Front on the third night of the Stonewall Riots. You can listen and download the broadcast for free at Sound Portaits.org and read the entire transcript here.

The recording begins with participants describing what it was like to be “gay” in the 1960s, before Stonewall.

JOAN NESTLE, Co-founder of Lesbian Herstory Archives: [T]here was regular weekend harassment, which would consist of the police coming in regularly….[I]n the Sea Colony, we had a back room with a red light. And when that red light went on it meant the police would be arriving in around ten minutes. And so we all had to sit down at our tables, and we would be sitting there almost like school children, and the cops would come in. Now depending on…which cop was on, if it was some that really resented the butch women who were with many times very beautiful women, we knew we were in for it because what would happen is they would start harassing one of these women, and saying, ‘Ha, you think you’re a man? Come outside and we’ll show you.’ And the woman would be dragged away. They’d throw her up against a wall and they’d say, ‘So, you think you’re a man, let’s see what you got in your pants.’ And they would put their hand down her pants.

SEYMOUR PINE, Deputy Inspector of the NYC Public Morals Squad: “[Before Stonewall] you tell [patrons in gay bars] to leave and they leave, and you say show me your identification and they all take out their identification and file out and that’s it. And you say, okay, you’re not a man, you’re a woman, or you’re vice versa and you wait over there. I mean, this was a kind of power that you have and you never gave it a second thought.

SYLVIA RIVERA, Transgender activist: The drag queens took a lot of oppression and we had to…we were at a point where I guess nothing would have stopped us…we were ladies in waiting, just waiting for the thing to happen.

Image from Gender Anarchy Facebook Page. Original from The National Center for Lesbian Rights

Those who witnessed and participated in the riot recount the electricity felt in the air as eight police officers arrived at the Stonewall Inn at midnight June 27th, 1969. They describe fire, anger, joy, beatings- by police batons and high heels alike.

BIRDY, Protestor: My name is Robert Rivera and my nickname is Birdy, and I’ve been cross-dressing all of my life. I remember the night of the riots, the police were escorting queens out of the bar and into the paddy wagon and there was this one particularly outrageously beautiful queen, with stacks and stacks of…Elizabeth Taylor style hair, and she was asking them not to push her. And they continued to push her, and she turned around and she mashed the cop with her high heel. She knocked him down and then she proceeded to frisk him for the keys to the handcuffs that were on her. She got them and she undid herself and passed them to another queen that was behind her.

RIVERA: I remember someone throwing a Molotov cocktail. I don’t know who the person was, but I mean I saw that and I just said to myself in Spanish…’oh my God, the revolution is finally here!’ And I just like started screaming ‘Freedom! We’re free at last!’ You know. It felt really good!

Remembering Stonewall also offers rare insight and expression of how the revolutionary event impacted across personal lives and politics. For example, Gene Hardwood, who at the time of this recording was in a 60 year partnership with Bruce Merrow, explained,

GENE HARWOOD: When Stonewall happened, Bruce and I were still in the closet, where we had been for nearly forty years. But we realized that this was a tremendous thing that had happened at Stonewall and it gave us a feeling that we were not going to be remaining closeted for very much longer. And soon thereafter, we did come out of the closet.

JINNY APPUZO: …In 1969 I was in the convent. And when Stonewall hit the press, it hit me with a bolt of lightening. It was as if I had an incredible release of my own outrage at having to sequester so much of my life. I made my way down, I seem to recall in subsequent nights being down on the, you know, kind of just on the periphery looking. An observer — clearly an observer. Clearly longing to have that courage to come out. And as I recall it was only a matter of weeks before I left the convent and started a new life.

PINE: For those of us in Public Morals [police division], after the Stonewall incident things were completely changed from what they had previously been. They suddenly were not submissive anymore. They now suddenly had gained a new type of courage. And it seemed as if they didn’t care anymore about whether their identities were made known.

We were now dealing with human beings.

As shown by Stonewall and earlier campaigns against police raids and entrapment, NYC has a fraught history of with the LGBTQ communities. While great gains have been made, LGBTQ people, and particularly LGBTQ people of color, continue to be targets of police profiling and abuse. This includes profiling transgender women as sex workers, “gender checks”, physical and sexual abuse, and detention of transgender people under dangerous conditions. Check out LGBTQ-logue 003 for narrative accounts of LGBTQ interactions with the NYPD in present-day Jackson Heights, Queens.

February 27, 2013
15 Ways to Dispose a Condom

Condoms. It seems like we go out of our way to store them in some place both secret and safe: a sock drawer, their wallet, the bedside table. But when it comes to disposing of those little semen bags it seems like anything goes. Here is a list of fifteen things people do with condoms after the deed is done:

1) Flush ‘em.
2) Throw in the waste basket.
3) Throw in the waste basket under other strategically placed trash.
4) Toss out of a moving car on the highway.
5) Leave on the floor.
6) Leave in the bed.
7) Stuff in pants pockets and discard outside the house.
8) Fall asleep with it still on.
9) Wrap in tissues.
10) Mistakenly place inside tin foil containing someone’s weed.
11) Store in a cup.
12) Put back in the wrapper.
13) Bury outside in the dirt.
14) Put in a Clementine box.
15) Hide in a jewelry box.

August 4, 2012
EXTRA VIRGIN by Sébastian Hell

1993 was a great year. Pearl Jam released Vs., a perfect rock record; Nirvana released In Utero, their best record; the Toronto Maple Leafs couldn’t get to the Cup Finals despite gut-wrenching performances by Doug Gilmour and Félix Potvin; and the Canadiens won the Stanley Cup for the last time so far, a miracle-working Patrick Roy taking a very average team to the highest honours almost all by himself against Wayne Gretzky’s Los Angeles Kings.

In what was probably June of that year, the decisive Cup Finals game between the Kings and our beloved Habs was at home. My family had season tickets, but I opted out of going and instead set my sights to La Ronde, the local Six Flags amusement park, with a bunch of friends and maybe catch a bit of the end of the riot afterwards; I didn’t end up with a free TV, but I lost my virginity to a 19 year-old chick I picked up at La Ronde, so all in all, I must say it was a decent night.

It was a time when I was slimmer, when I would wear two band t-shirts at once and tie a third one around my waist with the logo facing outwards toward those behind me; it looked pretty fucking cool to me, and I was the only one doing it – it was my style, easily identifiable.

It wasn’t rare for me to get hit on in those days, what with a tall athlete’s frame, long straight rocker hair and a shyness I hid behind feigned confidence. Often, I would leave with girls’ telephone numbers. That night, I left with the girl.

Normally, at almost 15 years of age, after a day of walking in the sun and light entertainment, I’d be ready to go to sleep by 1AM – but not that night. That night, in the basement where I often slept (I had an actual room on the second floor, but my little brother and parents also slept there, so I had the basement as additional living quarters where I could sometimes get more privacy, especially at night) it seemed I was going to get a go at it. She was older than me, at least 4 years, and she knew what she was doing. She even interrupted a make-out session to ask, specifically, ”do you know what you’re doing, have you done it before”?

”Yes”, I was quick to reply, ”of course”. It wasn’t really a lie, because I had lived that moment time and time again, millions of times, in my head. And already I knew the gizmo I carried around in my underpants through and through – I’d lived with it my whole life, after all. And I knew ladies’ equipment pretty well, too, having already toyed around that area enough in the couple of years previous to this night on an average of maybe once a week – just not actually been inside there with my machinery.

So the mouths went from the mouth to everywhere our hands had been previously, and came time for the fatal question – one that I’d previously had the answer wrong to, which had cost me an earlier deflowerization: ”do you have a condom?” This time: ”yes”! We had a winner.

So together we struggle to release the condom from its packaging, succeed, and together we put the fucker on.

KABLAM!

I ejaculate right then and there.

I had tried condoms on before, even jerked off into them. Never had it had that impact on me. But this time, maybe it was the nerves, the sexual tension, the fact that she was so hot despite wearing way too much make up, the lack of experience on my part, but it happened. I came in the condom before even entering the comfort zone.

I tried getting away with it, too, and lucky for me I’m still pretty well hung even when getting flaccid, so we made do, having soft-cock sex. She did her best to pretend not having noticed, and we still went at it for a few hours.

Believe it or not, that was not the most embarrassing moment of the episode. No, that came the next morning, when we went upstairs for breakfast, with the parents at the dining table.

”So, Sébastian, are you going to introduce your friend?”

Oh, yeah.

Her name was Katia, and I never saw her again. But I did see a few of her friends for a while, including a very short but very hot girl, my age, named Manon – a name usually reserved for people over twenty years older than she was. She was a blast – and she still has a cap of mine that I really loved, corduroy, all black, with an Esso insignia in front – sarcastic branding was all the rage then, and would be even more so the following year.

Monologues are independent stories. Read more of Sébastian Hell at Hell’s Rumblings

July 29, 2012
Awake thee that slumber, Condom Monologues is back in action!

Dear commenters and condom-ers,

The Condom Monologues collective extends many apologies for our dormancy these past months. We have received hundreds of inquiries and comments that deserve responses. And we now have a full time staff to get on it! Making up for the delay we will answer questions by optimizing our Condom Size Chart feature. It is currently under re-structuring with the aim to widen the amount of brands. We will also offer up-to-date size charts, reviews, and measuring tips. When it comes to safe pleasure, size isn’t everything. Shape and comfort are important factors to consider. So we plan to include more dimensions and details to our brand reviews. If you feel something is lacking in the info world of condoms, we want to know. Please share.

What Else is New?

We’re pulling the site under repair to build a more sleek, inclusive, and comprehensive beast. We approach the condom as a cultural object that morphs across social and scientific spheres with different histories. The aim is to converge in a non-judgmental space the condom (and other contraceptives) and our relationships with them, whether they be sexy, funny, or serious. We believe that an important piece in the pleasure pie is factual information. So much of this site is geared towards empowering and expanding discussions of safe sex, and harnessing equal access to information.

Along with sharing individual condom stories, this site will also include: 1) News and Politics section, which will explore US policy on sex education, debates on contraceptives for minors, the Pope’s opinion on condoms, etc. ; 2) a Technology and Science section that updates some of the latest contraceptive technology and STI research, explores past-century contraceptive methods, etc. And 3) a general Arts and Entertainment section, that looks at condoms and other safe sex measures in movies, TV, artworks, youtube, etc. Basically, our girth is constantly growing.

The legal stuff: Age of consent and medical advice

The size charts, etc. are made for you to consult and hopefully find the brand that suits within your size range and needs. If you cannot find the answer to your question, just ask. But please be aware that we do not condone sexual activity of under-age males and females in state or country. Also, we are not medical professionals. We offer opinions from personal experience and research. Professional advice should always be sought.

For a younger audience, here is one place to start: SEX etc. and for all ages Planned Parenthood is highly recommended.

February 20, 2012
Welcome to The Condom Monologues

Please source us @condommonologues.com if you use our content or contact us to get proper permission. We work hard here, so Thanks man.

Most of us have heard of It: That little ravel sheath accompanying our sexual worlds, be it through porn, public restrooms, corner stores, park benches, orgasms (or lack thereof), the health clinic, or sex ed. class- whatever encounter you can think of.
Welcome to Condom Monologues: A censor-free, non-judgmental collective focused on the condom, and the social or personal topics it surrounds. The title was inspired by Eve Ensler’s play, Vagina Monologues, hoping to arouse a continuous discussion about female sexuality and empowerment. Only here we insert The Condom with a more inclusive gender and sexuality format.
Such is the reoccurring theme: The condom as a cultural object, morphs across social and political spheres with its own histories and statuses. Condom Monologues is a place to converge and discuss the experiences we have with this object. Not only to share something funny, sexy, or serious, but also to set up a more collective way to distinguish a brand in the condom market among varying opinions and needs. Post a story, an opinion, a question. Let the unraveling begin!

February 10, 2012
Naomi Wolf’s Condom Story

Here is an excerpt from Naomi Wolf’s book Promiscuities (1997), that describes her first experience with contraceptives – her trip to the clinic and then her first time doing the “deed”. It could be argued that she tends to portray the condom as a male responsibility; and also as a very unsexy aspect of sex. Nonetheless her critique of sex education, sexual agency, and youth/adult relations around contraceptive talk is an interesting contribution to condom monologues:

“He and I could have been a poster couple for the liberal idea of responsible teen sexuality – and paradoxically, this was reflected in the lack of drama and meaning I felt crossing the threshold. Conscientious students who were mapping out our college applications and scheduling our after-school jobs to save up for tuition, we were the sort of kids who Planned Ahead. But even the preparations for losing one’s virginity felt barren of larger social significance.
When Martin and I went together to a clinic to arrange for contraception some weeks before the actual deed, no experience could have been flatter. He waited, reading old copies of Scientific American, while I was fitted for a diaphragm (“The method with one of the highest effectiveness levels, if we are careful, and the fewest risks to you,” Martin had explained after looking it up). The offices were full of high school couples. If the management intended the mood to be welcoming to adolescents, they had done an excellent job. Cartoon strips about contraceptives were displayed in several rooms. The staff members were straight-talking, and they did not patronize. The young, bearded doctor who had fitted me treated it as if he were explaining to me a terrific new piece of equipment for some hearty activity such as rock climbing.
In terms of the mechanics of servicing teenage desire safely in a secular, materialistic society, the experience was impeccable. The technology worked and was either cheep or free. But when we walked out, I still felt there was something important missing. It was weird to have these adults just hand you the keys to the kingdom, ask, “Any questions?,” wave, and return to their paperwork. They did not even have us wait until we could show we had learned something concrete – until we could answer some of their questions. It was easier than getting your learner’s permit to drive a car.
Now, giving us a moral context was not their job. They had enough to handle. Their work seems in retrospect like one of the few backstops we encountered to society’s abdication of us within our sexuality. But from visiting the clinic in the absence of any other adults giving us a moral framework in which to learn about sexuality, the message we got was: “You can be an adult without trying. The only meaning this has is the meaning you give it.” There was a sense, I recall, that the adults who were the gatekeepers to society had once again failed to initiate us in any way.
For not at the clinic, at school, in our synagogue, or anywhere in popular culture did this message come through clearly to us: sexual activity comes with responsibilities that are deeper than personal. If our parents did say this, it was scarcely reinforced outside the home. No one said, at the clinic, “You must use this diaphragm or this condom, not only because that is how you will avoid the personal disaster of unwanted pregnancy, but because if you have sex without protection you are doing something antisocial and morally objectionable. If you, boy or girl, initiate a pregnancy out of carelessness, that is dumb, regrettable behavior.” Nothing morally significant about the transfer of power from adults to teenagers was represented in that technology. It was like going to the vet: as if we were being processed not on a social but on an animal level.
Well, the Act itself will take care of that, I thought. How did I decide that day? Civics class drove me over the edge. The thought of plowing through the electoral college – which, in all its stubborn irrationality, seemed to represent all the rigidity and hopelessness of the adult world closing in on me…..At the classroom threshold, before the teacher noticed me, I suddenly turned my heel. Down the hall, I intercepted Martin before he walked into his biology lab. I easily persuaded him, ordinarily a conscientious student, to cut class. “Today’s the day: this is it.” It felt special to be the one whose decision was so attentively awaited. We seized our backpacks from our lockers, he took my hand, and we ran up the lawn to the street car tracks just as the class bell was shrilling….
He was shy and undressed in the bathroom. I, somewhat less so but still nervous, undressed under the sheets. When he returned, I was stunned: he was so beautiful. He shivered but let me look.
This was not the sweet old Martin whose grandmother bought him his shirts. I had been taking art history and had spent many hours memorizing fifth-century statues of male nudes. The walls behind Martin were grimy, but he looked like one of those statues, only alive.
My train of association connecting Martin to Praxiteles and the sublime came to an abrupt end with the production and deployment of the condom. We had the diaphragm, but there was no way I was about to deal with that yet. I was grateful not to have to think about the little rubber disk, but grateful, too, not to be directly involved with the alternative. Putting the condom on looked terribly complex. It seemed to me, watching, that if you were dextrous enough to gift-wrap an independent-minded amphibian, you could just about manage a condom.
When we made love, it hurt, but only a little. It was nice but strange. I realized my relative good luck with every disastrous loss-of-virginity story I hear. For a seventeen-year-old boy, Martin was a rarity – a sensitive, respectful teacher. After we dressed and left, we were very hesitant, even solicitous, with each other. It would take a long time and a great deal of trust to create real exotic love between us” (Wolf, 1997: 119-24).

May 8, 2008