As a child, did an adult ever “catch” you looking through books of a sexual nature, like human biology texts or porn? Did the adult respond in shock, embarrassment, anger? For the brothers of Momdoms, their mother’s reaction was the spark that set off their company’s mission today. Here’s Wayne Simpkins telling that story:
Penis. Vagina. The words that made us all giggle in our childhood years. But for us, it went way beyond that.
Our mom was a nurse who had no problem saying those words more often than your average mom. So often, that we would even have contests to see who could get her to say the word “penis” the most times.
Our mother would openly explain to us what was happening to our bodies as we were growing up, and how, when the time came, “The Talk” about sex was more of a conversation. No biggie.
There are four siblings in our family, three boys and the youngest a girl. Needless to say, we were always getting into things. When we were around the ages of 8-13, we found a box in our garage of our mothers old college nursing books, at that age we immediately honed in on the anatomy books. Our mother came down and “caught us”, we were mortified. Somehow, despite our young ages, despite sex positive parenting, we already knew the feelings of shame around sex.
But in true fashion of our mother she said, “Well don’t just sit there, bring them upstairs so we can look through them. We can talk about any questions you have, just please don’t color in the pictures.”
Our family has always used humor to get through awkward situations and this was no different. When you are a child, your mind is imaginative and you draw your own conclusions based on things you see and hear. Many questions were cleared up that day. Questions like:
“Do you have to pee in a girl to get her pregnant?” Followed by Eeewwwww and laughter.
“If our sister’s clitoris grows, will that turn her into a boy? Is it like an inside penis?” Eeewwwww and laughter.
“So the baby doesn’t come out of the butthole?” “Haha – you said butthole!”
This prompted my mother to to sit us down and watch a program that showed an actual child birth. We sat there in shock, but mostly awe.
As adults, my bothers were the coaches for their wives when they gave birth. I am the oldest son and gay. My sister asked me to be her birth coach– she wanted to be sure that I would be able to experience it for myself. Twenty years ago it was not quite the “norm” for a gay couple to have or raise a child.
Without our mother being as open and honest about sex and sexuality, our lives would be very different, certainly not as fulfilling. Thankfully, this mindset has been passed on to the next generation in our family.
With Momdoms, we wanted to reach families that were not quite as open as our family, by offering a tool for them to use that makes the “smart sex” conversation a little less awkward.
Momdoms has a humorous assortment of 1950s-style condom storage tins complete with tips for parents on why and how to talk about sex with their kids. Each tin includes six FDA approved lubricated latex condoms and can also be customized with your picture in place of the illustration. Turns out that moms and sex are an interesting combination, making anyone get a kick out of Momdoms. Check ’em out!
We’re excited to kick off the interview series with a personable and fun blogger: The Sexpert. She knows first-hand the extraordinary role pleasure plays in health. Her conservative religious upbringing equips her with unique insight for dismantling psychological structures of shame. Her blog is a fortress of trust and anti-taboos. Just don’t say she “looks like” a feminist! (wink)…Here’s why.
1) Identify one or two trends, or influential people in the Sex Positive community that you identify with (or are inspired by) and those trends which you relate to not-so-much.
I really find the idea of feminist porn to be an important one. When you learn about the original debates within feminism in the 1970’s that regarded whether or not sex-positivity was acceptable to women, so much of the debate centered on pornography. For feminists to say that pornography is an acceptable expression of sexuality they must be willing to provide alternatives to a market flooded with porn containing themes that are degrading to our gender. It is for this reason that I particularly admire Jincey Lumpkin for her founding Juicy Pink Box (NSFW) and column of editorial pieces with the Huffington Post. I also think the Good for Her Feminist Porn Awards is another soldier in the fight for ethical pornography.
I was absolutely floored with love and admiration when I first saw the work of Sophia Wallace. The message behind her Cliteracy project is something I find truly inspiring and I make time to listen any time she is giving a media interview. My tank top purchased from her studio in Brooklyn is a prized possession of mine.
As far as my sex advice column gig, The Sexpert – it is clearly modeled after so many who have gone before me. As an aspiring therapist wishing to specialize in issues of sexuality it was a natural fit to want to support and educate those in the community who are dealing with confusion about their own sexual practices. A lot of friends have asked me if I want to be Dan Savage or Dr. Ruth. The answer is, if only!
Who am I not that thrilled with? People who focus on the bodies of feminists. What makes one look “feminist” is a woman’s ability to choose for herself! Feminism is for every body. It is for curvy, skinny, and in-between women. It is for waxed, shaved, and au-natural women. It is for butch women. It is for femme women. It is for CEO’s and stay-at-home moms. It is for pansexuals and asexuals. Feminism is for boys, the intersexed, and men. Feminism does not look a certain way.
The “feminist” Blurred Lines spoof really bothered me (Video). This is the first time I have said this publicly as I know it was being popularly circulated and many enjoyed it. I understand perhaps it was so ridiculous for the sake of satire – yes, I do understand what satire is. However, content like this supports the “angry feminist”/”feminazi” stereotype. Feminists have MUCH to be angry about (the song Blurred Lines being a great example), but feminists are not women who attempt to emulate patriarchal men. Feminism is not about women treating men the way patriarchal men treat women. This behavior defeats the social change feminism is fighting for.
2) How do you define “sex positivity” for yourself and your work? In other words, what is your primary passion and how do you distinguish your writings and interests from other branches of thought within the sex positive movement?
Sex positivity, for me, is advocating the view that sex is a natural, beneficial, and enjoyable part of life. The taboos, shame, and embarrassment that are placed on certain practices (or sex in general) throughout society are sex-positivity’s enemy. This is because they serve no helpful purpose to the individual. I will often reference my conservative religious upbringing, and yes, growing up in an environment where people had a narrow view of sex as the “passion” behind my sex-positivity. I have seen first-hand how being ashamed of the natural and inescapable part of your own humanity can damage you.
The reason for my curiosity on this topic were the inconsistent and conflicting messages the lifestyle I was raised in offered me from a young age. “God created sex; it is a wonderful gift.” “God created your body; it is a wonderful gift.” So why then are we only allowed to use these gifts in a restricted way? Someone said so and it wasn’t even the “God” who is supposedly being adhered to! Studying psychology and theology simultaneously just dug me in deeper with being forced to confront inconsistent messages about morality. I learned in psychology classes that empirical evidence suggests that people do not have a choice in their sexual orientation. I learned in theology classes that scripture should be interpreted while fully considering the author, the audience, and the cultural context in which it was written. So why was the message all around me so pervasive that sex had to look one specific way in order to escape an inherent shame? I had to form my own opinions because those offered to me by others did not seem to add up!
What’s more, I didn’t have people in my life who were able to set an example of celebrating sex. Once I broke away from the “Sex is only for heterosexual married couples” rule I had been taught as a child, I never the less was struck by the amazing force and power sex has! No it wasn’t glue that bound my soul to my spouse’s for eternity – but sex was still pretty damn amazing. I wanted to celebrate it and help others find means to give themselves permission to celebrate it as well.
I have always sought to keep my writing and social media outlets both fun and informative. Sex is meant to be fun and thus I see The Sexpert as needing to reflect that. I also think The Sexpert will lack purpose if it is not informative. As I mentioned, my heart goes out to those who are blindly in the dark about how great sex can be! My online presence is filling its highest purpose when it is helping someone in that predicament safely gain information they may not be getting from anyone else in their lives. I do my best to conceal my “real” identity because I think people have an easier time approaching a faceless “Sexpert” in cyberspace with what they perceive as their shameful and stigmatizing concerns. I would rather be of help where there is no help than gain any amount of notoriety. Perhaps things will change as my fan base continues to broaden and my professional credentials change – who knows.
3) What directions do you think sex positivity will take within the next 5 – 10 years? Or what topics and with what platforms would you like to see sex positivity develop more thoroughly within the next 5 – 10 years?
Ideally sex positivity would have an impact on society to change the way people are commonly educated about sex. I also would hope that different fields (medical, social, psychological, etc.) would expand their research efforts to include topics of sexuality and studies such as these wouldn’t have trouble finding funds. With more knowledge gained from research, the public could be supported with better information in regards to sex. I have seen that, socially, people are more open to discuss sex and their own pleasure. Items used for sexual stimulation are readily sold in unstigmatizing places these days (ie. Walgreens and Target vs. Adult Video Stores). This is a change that has taken place in my lifetime and it is my hope that society will continue onward down this path. Openness about sex for purposes of pleasure facilitates better quality and more useful conversations. That is part of what makes Condom Monologues so great! Nobody tells high school students how or what type of condom to use to enhance their sexual experience; just, “You better wear one!”
I think another helpful factor is that the public is more health conscious. Television shows like Dr. Oz, The Doctors, and Dr. Phil all air segments on sexual health from time to time. The truth about sex (and masturbation!) is that it supports physical, emotional, and mental health in countless ways. I hope with that truth being publicized it will influence more and more people to be able to see why sex is something worth celebrating! Sex deserves an honored and intentional place in our lives. A place where we can move and speak with confidence, creativity, and joyfulness.
The opinions shared are the author’s own. Interested in being a part of this interview? What is sex your positivity?
Reflecting on their own experiences, authors Ams and Lara discuss ways to allieviate awkwardness when talking to sibilings about sex.
First of all, for anyone with a sibling, a cousin, a close friend who you wish you could speak more openly about sexual health and pleasure with, we’d like to make clear that this article isn’t restricted to only siblings. However, we will be focusing on our own sibling experiences of sex education and empowerment.
As people with siblings (Ams has a twin sister; Lara is a middle child) both authors speak from personal experience when we say that even though we talked with our siblings about sex, there were still those weird moments. Like climbing into bed with your sister one night and pulling her vibrator out from under you. Princess and the pea made incredibly uncomfortable in both the physical and mental sense. Or when you innocently ask your older sister what a blow job is and she directs you to talk to dad about that instead.
But all this shouldn’t deter siblings from talking about sex or sharing experiences and questions. There are ways to convert awkwardness into positive dialogue.
Why Siblings?
So why are we focusing on discussions between siblings in the first place? One of our readers wrote in that she wanted to be able to talk constructively with her 15 year old sister about sex but was not sure how to begin a discussion without making both her sister and herself embarrassed or sound judgmental.
We do not recommend this approach to talking to sibilings about sex and sexuality.
In close relationships, particularly with people around the same age, learning from one another’s experiences and being reflective together of common issues, fears, and pleasures is sometimes much more enjoyable than the kinds of sexual education classes offered to young adults. Not only this but it includes a kind of comradery that you don’t often receive at school or often from parents who may be supportive but would rather not know too many details of their children’s sexual activity.
Furthermore, talking to siblings about safe sex practices and healthy relationships shows that you care. It’s also a way to pick up on risky behavior (“But my girlfriend said she can’t afford to get tested”).
Bonus* If you have a sibling who identifies with the opposite sex from you, speaking with them is a great way to learn more about the way gender pressures people to flirt and perform sex differently.
Respect Boundaries and Trust
Now, sibling relations are complicated and multifaceted. Shared family experience can forge strong bonds of understanding of which no other relationship can match. Alternatively, unhealthy circumstances and family politics may breed painful relations. Not every brother or sister establishes a framework of sharing and support. So if you are concerned for your sibling but do not have a sharing and trusting relationship with him or her, that’s OK. There are still ways to initiate sex talk without crossing comfort zones.
Lara can speak to this issue from her own upbringing. She and her younger sister (7 years difference) are not close in the sense of knowing each other’s secrets, social circles, or crushes. They were brought up in separate households by different guardians and went to different schools. Both were exposed to different attitudes towards sex. In some ways, they are more like strangers to each other. Despite their physical and emotional distance, there is still that unexplainable sisterly love, and being older, Lara felt a need to look out for her younger sister’s well-being.
She explains, “Our particular relationship has boundaries of trust which make it uncomfortable to discuss emotional aspects of sex and sexuality or discuss specific sexual activities in detail. Nonetheless I wanted to make sure that my 13 year old sister knew how to be sexually safe and how to access safety tools on her own. To me, the bare fundamentals of sex education are 1) Understanding consent and being self-aware of emotional risks 2) Knowing about your body and what sexual acts put you at risk of certain STIs and pregnancy 3) Knowing safer sex methods and how to access barriers and contraceptives, and 4) Knowing how to get tested for STIs.
“I knew I could not have an in depth conversation with my sister about all four points. But I could recommend resources and keep the door open for future conversations. So my approach was to be matter-of-fact. I didn’t feel that beating around the bush would alleviate any awkwardness. In fact, using vague phrases like “Have you done it with him?” can convey feelings of embarrassment or stigma around sex. So I made a point to use frank language.
Talking Point: Ask About Their Sex Education
“Luckily for me as a sexuality scholar I talk about sex A LOT, so I knew the opportunity would inevitably arrive. I did rehearse in my mind what I would say to my little sister because I think it’s better to be thoughtful and proactive rather than reactive. “One day over the phone I explained to her that I was writing an article about public school sex education. Then I asked her about the education she’s received and what she and her peers think about it. This opened the door to discuss the importance of knowing about your body and safer sex. Furthermore it allowed my sister the freedom to share because she was not pressured to necessarily state her opinions and questions, but was sharing under the guise of what other peers think and feel about sex. I was able to respond with statements like: ‘Oh, the teacher didn’t talk about oral sex or dry sex? That’s something I think is often overlooked in sex ed., but those acts do come with different risks and there are ways to protect yourself against those risks.’
“Throughout the conversation I carefully picked my words and consciously listened and validated what my sister was saying. In the end, I learned that she had a good grasp of what STIs were most prevalent and knew how to use condoms but never heard of sex dams. She was also curious about the diveristy of sexuality and I was able to offer her some really great online readings and videos to explore in her own privacy.
The point is, even if the relationship is not close or is limited by the degree of privacy each other can share, there are ways to work respectfully around those boundaries while offering advice and showing that you care. Another thing: sex talk does not have to be THE sex talk- a crucial, once-in- a-life event. In reality, people’s sex education is ongoing and transforms as circumstances and age call for it. Ams’ relationship with her twin sister illustrates this.
Be Open and Non-Judgmental
The other thing about sibling relationships (and human relations in general) is that they are forever changing as we grow older. It has taken many years for author Ams to have an open relationship of sexual disclosure with her fraternal twin sister.
“I was the first of the two of us to become sexually active. My sister asked me questions and was fairly non judgmental but my experience wasn’t going to be the same as hers. In many ways, our sex talks seemed pretty commonplace mirroring many of discussions I had with peers. Things became more complex in later years when from time to time one of us would call the other crying about some sort of ‘mistake’ we had made.
“For example, I found one of my high school journals the other day. What I had written about myself seemed horribly abusive. I had called myself a ‘whore’ for kissing a boy at a party when I was single, and made it out like no boy would ever want me again because of that. My sister had a similar incident a few years later. She told me she thought she had cheated on her boyfriend at the time. She gave me all the details but all that stayed in my mind was that she had cheated, and so she was at fault. I was terribly non supportive and I actually went out of my way to call my sister and apologize to her years later.
“What I should have realized then was that it is not up to me to make any moral accusations about anyone including myself, especially when those accusations are based off of a social system that hates women’s sexuality and punishes us for it. Worse though, my sister had been blackout intoxicated the night she ‘cheated’ and we both came to the conclusion that she had been sexually assaulted. In her time of need, I had dismissed her story- and I’ll always have to live with that.
“Now a day’s both my sister and I try our best to call one another on preemptive judgments. We also are very helpful with each others birth control choices, sexual safety and pursuit of pleasure. I actually ended up buying my own vibrator after uncomfortably sleeping half the night on my sister’s. Great investment. She taught me that safe casual sex is nothing to be ashamed of for womyn. I hope I’ve taught her something too.”
Not Limited to Sibling Relations
This conversation shouldn’t just be about siblings though- nor should sexual advice from a sibling necessarily replace information garnered from other sources. No one is perfect. People faulter. And in today’s system and world, creating a sex positive, pleasure-oriented education system is still very hard work. Myths, stereotypes and harmful lies (#exposeVACPCs is one example) are all around us cutting us off from safe, confident and guilt free sex. That’s why a healthy, open relationship with someone you trust is so crucial. Here’s our round-up for what to keep in mind and how to initiate sex talk with your sibling, cousin, friend or anyone you care about.
Sex Talk Summary
1) Be fact-based and frank. This is really helpful but might be difficult if you feel shy or embarassed to say words like “anal”. Your own discomfort will show and make the discussion awkward for everyone. Thus, interconnected with the matter-of-fact approach is to…
2) Check in with your own attitudes towards sexuality. Why might you feel weird about saying “vagina” with your sibling? Read Soraya Chemaly’s piece about how family attitudes towards sex are extremely influential. Obviously,we are partial to the “responsible sex is good” advice than the “scare them shitless” camp.
3) Be respectful and non-judgmental. Youth in particular are often condescended to and told that they are “too young and immature.” Don’t do this. Approaching sex talk in a fact-based manner will help but it’s important to be accepting and welcoming. That includes actively listening to what the person is saying and validating their feelings. Respect also includes being realistic about the extent of trust already established by your relationship. Even if your relationship does not allow for sharing private experiences there are still ways to bring up sex and safety while respecting personal boundaries.
4) Inform– Share outside sources like the ones we offer below. This will help put the pressure off you and allow your sibling (or other) to explore the information privately and possibly take up the discussion with you later about specifics.
5) Be self-reflective. This allows for more nuanced understanding of each other and how one fits within greater social structures and norms. Use your own experiences to breach a subject, or even a book or television show. Or, try asking about their sex education and what their peers think about the curriculum. Reciprocate by sharing what your sex ed was like and what you found helpful or wish you were taught in retrospect.
6) Write a letter or text message. This might be a good option to open the conversation if, say, you are worried about a romantic relationship the person is in but are still unsure when to approach her or him about it.
7) Always remember that just like you, your sibling deserves, happiness, pleasure, safety and freedom to be a sexual being- help create that safe space for them to grow in.
Sex Talk Resources
There are loads of awesome resources out there! Here are some important places to start and follow.
Laci Green Sex+. Armed with quirky cleverness and shameless rapport, Laci Green has been a major voice for youth against fears towards sexuality, abstinence-only sex education and slut/body-shaming. From challenging notions of virginity, to answering questions about foreskin, her YouTube channel is a trove of sex positve knowledge. A must see resource!
Scarleteen. A grassroots teen sex education site with indepth, comprehensive articles about all things sex and sexuality in a way that is relevant to people’s diversity. It runs a bully-free Q&A message board and an SMS service where teens can annonomously ask questions and get help from qualitfied sex educators- all for free! In addition to all their advice articles, the site provides legal information about personal rights, access to health care, how to talk to physicians, and also help teens find local, in-person health services, LGBTQ, shelters and other youth-focused services.
Come As You Are. The only cooperatively run sex shop in the world is in Toronto! They run in-store sex workshops. Their site offers free printable pamphletes on lubes, condom, bdsm, bondage, caning- you name it, they have it! They also provide guides to everything from swingers clubs to emergency numbers, shelters, and sexual health resources for sex and disability, HIV/AIDS, reproductive assistance, STI testing, sex workers’ support, LGBTQ communities and more. A great place to start is their sex info guide on how to choose and use sex toys.
Advocates for Youth. If you are interested social change from a public policy perspective, this is an organization that can overwhelm you with openly available research publications and development sector jargon. They run a giganitic online hub of sex education initiatives including youth activist movers and shakers, AmplifyYourVoice.org. Their site keeps tabs on what government officials are- and are not- doing to make sexuality education in the US positive, effective and non-discriminatory.
It’s Pronounced Metrosexual. Where complex, Judith Butler-like concepts of sex, sexuality and gender are broken down into simple, easy to read articles and infographics. Watch the site founder’s entertaining TedTalk on the complexities of gender.
Queering Sexed w/ Planned Parenthood Toronto. This project is aiming to build a sexual health resource specifically for LGBTQ youth who are systematically disadvantaged by public school sex education and medical practitioners at large. Watch online videos, read infographics, and get in touch with them for social support.
The STD Project. A website aimed at dismantling STDs stigma by raising awareness, listening to people’s stories, and increasing access to information. A really great resource for everyone to make more conscientious decisions.
The Body.com. This is not teen or youth specific but it is a trusted resource by medical experts in the field of HIV/AIDS. From social support to activism, this site is a good starting point for everyone to know about HIV/AIDS-related issues. It offers up to date information about testing, transmission, treatment, serodiscordant couples (to name a few topics) which unforunately not many people (young and old) are knowledgeable. This site also publishes critical articles addressing the pertetuation of stigma.
Our Bodies Our Selves. One of the most important girls’ and women’s health sites in North America. This site promotes evidence-based information on female reproductive health and addresses the intersection of social, economic and political conditions that impact access and quality of health care.
Answer. One of the only online sex education resources that addresses issues specific to boys and men. Though it’s not all free, they do offer webseminars, online workshops and publish a youth-run sexuality magazine, Sex, Etc.
Do you have any advice or resources to add to this? How do you feel about talking to siblings about sexual health?
Hymen myth, sexist magazines, pleasure-shame: obstacles which have helped build my dream of opening a Sex+ Sex Shop. May it one day be normal to celebrate sex!
That awkward first sex talk.
Plenty of kids seem to share the same dreadful story about their parents or teachers stumbling through “the birds and the bees” speech.
Sometimes you come across a few folks who have learned the ins and outs of sexuality from peers instead. Mostly this information is collected from whispered conversations amidst giggles in bathroom stalls. Or late at night during sleepovers in which the details of how to perform perfect oral are spewed out for all the untrained friends gathered around.
I remember one of my partners and I spent hour’s Googling how to make women orgasm. He even drew me a diagram of where he figured my clitoris must be located (he made sure to describe it as ‘a little man in a boat’). I guess that means to some people that clitoral hoods look like boats?
He tried so hard to learn about sex the only way he felt comfortable. This meant turning exclusively to the internet. Needless to say, that was one lesson that would have been nice to learn from someone we trusted instead of turning to random wikihow articles. Wikihow your partner to multiple orgasms! Conversations regarding sex and sexuality ultimately mean more when they are done so face to face. This holds true despite the awkwardness which will undoubtedly ensue once you begin to imagine your parents or children wrapped up in deliciously compromising positions.
There was one time he did have a conversation with his parents about sex. This occurred when they washed his jeans and found a condom wrapper in the hamper. He summarized the gist of the conversation, with his dad issuing a stern warning about the dangers of pregnancy during premarital sex while his mom cried on the couch. Off-putting to say the least. Nor was it the least bit helpful or practical. A conversation about sexual health shouldn’t be focused on dread and fear. They need to begin to describe the creative, diverse ways that sex can be had, with whom you can have sex, and the ways in which each individual will enjoy(or not enjoy) different things.
A later partner I discovered enjoyed anal stimulation. He was so ashamed by it because when he looked it up, all accounts made out that heterosexual men did not, should not, and could not enjoy anal stimulation.
He believed blogs written by anonymous sex gurus from Maxim and of course the piles of Seventeen Magazines and Cosmopolitans his female roommate kept in their adjoined washroom. The messages he received from these sources, from his parents, from his male friends and from what little porn he did confess to watching, made any encouragement of anal play useless.
The messages these individuals took so much to heart had an adverse effect on me as well. The person that I had sex with for the first time actually dared to question my virginity after we had penetrative sex for the first time. This, because of myths he had internalized about hymens.
Immediately after the act I was basking in the glow of it all. We had oral and manual sex so often that I was eager and ready for vaginal sex. Further, I had the delight of not feeling any pain throughout my first experience. I told him that I was happy, that it hadn’t hurt. I was smiling on the couch next to him, when I glanced up and noticed the shocked look on his face. Bothered, I asked,“did it hurt you? I am so sorry if it did!” Luckily, it hadn’t. Rather, his disturbance was due to the fact that I hadn’t bled. I told him I too, was surprised and relieved. He wasn’t satisfied with this kind of a response. He thought that virginity was very important and also had some misguided beliefs about having to ‘pop the cherry’ in order for the act to be legitimate.
Fortunately my relationship with sexuality was slightly more positive than many, but mostly because I was so curious that my parents didn’t even need to sit me down. I’d just come to ask whatever was on my mind; often to their embarrassment. Speaking of which, years after my “birds & bees” chat with my own mother, I gave her a phone call to share the exciting news that I had achieved my first orgasm with a sex partner. She had never known before that I was having difficulty, and I think she was shocked that I had called her to celebrate the occasion in the same kind of manner my sister often does about a job offer or an excellent mark on a term paper.
Now I’m not saying at all that my parents were shy about sex. My mother has become quite comfortable sharing details of her life with me that I think, unfortunately are quite taboo in many other parent/child relationships. However, what my point boils down to is that unlike celebrations over achievements or a lesson well learned, there was no celebration when we discussed sex.
I want that to change for everybody!
I can completely comprehend if some people feel uncomfortable teaching their own children how to put on a condom or how to properly use a dental dam. I’m sure the majority of parents are a little unprepared for a consultation with their offspring about what size packer looks most comfortable under their slacks.
This sort of unease is one of the main reasons I want to co-own a Sex+ Store & Education Centre. Our community members need a safe space to gather in which they can learn about sex, celebrate sex and enjoy themselves while exploring healthy sexuality. If there had been a place where I could have gone as a preteen to delve into birth control options with some sort of enthusiastic advisor I would have been all over that!
Unfortunately, the sex stores near my home weren’t all that inviting. Most of them had reputations as sleazy joints with back rooms full of pornography. Needless to say anyone under 18 wasn’t welcome inside the door.
Then there is the concerning number of young women I know who claim to have ‘suffered through’ their first few attempts at intercourse. If we all felt comfortable exploring our own bodies, asking questions, communicating openly with our partners about our desires, these kinds of things wouldn’t happen quite as often. We need to stop demonizing sex, especially sex amongst our youth, our elderly and the specially abled. Sex is natural, it is beautiful and if I ever have children I want a phone call, or HELL, maybe even a party to celebrate their first orgasms! Better yet, if children were encouraged instead of shamed when caught masturbating, couples would have far less trouble achieving orgasms with one another in the first place.
Owning a Sex Positive/Queer Positive Shop is my way of giving back to the community that embraced me and helped me bloom into a colourful sexual being. It is my way of giving all of the future (and past) generations a place to come and learn without the additional weight of secrecy or taboo. Our education systems will be slow to change their policies on Health and Sex education. I attend a Catholic University as a don and one of my forbearers was fired when he decided to distribute free condoms to his residents. This kind of injustice needs a grassroots solution. What better way to overthrow a stagnant heteronormative, anti-pleasure system than by creating our own affiliation-free safe spaces to explore sex.
Hopefully the entire world can eventually be a sex positive space one day, but we’ll take it one row paddle at a time in the right direction.
I spend a lot of time in the sex-positive community trying to connect with new people. Somewhere along the way, I found myself clicking through the gooey rhetoric of tantric sex. Like, “It’s the art of disappearing inside each other”…“It dissolves the boundaries between two people…even beyond having a body.” I came across an article by Vena Ramphal in the Huffington Post. Reading her breakdown of systems and terminologies, it struck me how oversimplified pop culture portrays tantric sex.
While I know little about the discipline, I think it’s fair to place it in the sex-positive category. But where do practicalities of safer sex come into play? I mean, it’s not common to see condoms in erotic drawings of the Kama Sutra. Do tantric sex coaches ever implement condoms when teaching “spiritual awareness”?
How do tantric professional approach issues of STIs? Of sexual health?
Follow Vena on Twitter @VenaRamphal
For Vena Ramphal, safe sex begins with emotional intelligence. Vena Ramphal (PhD) is a philosopher and teacher of erotic pleasure and romance. Her background is in yogic-tantric philosophy and the pleasure traditions of the Kama Sutra. She is also a twitter poet, offering insights into the subtleties of intimacy. We agreed to an interview and she shared her thoughts on sex positivity and safer sex.
How do you define “sex positivity” or sex positive approaches in education and counseling? How do you relate to this within your work?
For me, sex positivity is simple. It says, ‘Sexual pleasure as good not guilty.’ To be sex positive is to see physical intimacy as being good for people. This is a very different frame of reference to our dominant cultural understanding which see sexual pleasure in terms of morality.
To look at sex as a nurturing experience that engenders physical, mental and emotional wellbeing is a good basis on which to generate sex positive discourse. In my work I help people to reframe their attitudes to sex on this basis.
Does the use of condoms and other safe sex practices enter the discourse of sexual pleasure/awareness? How have you dealt with this in your work?
In my work the practicalities of safe sex – such as condoms and sexual health checks – are a base line. There are still a lot of people who don’t get regular sexual health checks – especially those in their fifties and above, so it’s really important to have this conversation.
However, I also coach people to think about safe sex more subtly – as a practice in emotional intelligence.
For example, it takes emotional intelligence to know what you want to do, and what you don’t want to do with your body; and to communicate during sex especially when your partner asks for something you don’t want to give.
Safe sex is about holding your own boundaries and respecting your partner’s boundaries – their body, their mood and their desires.
We need to integrate the idea of safe sex into discourses on sexual pleasure. The health and safety side of sex – condoms etc. – is still seen as inhibiting pleasure, so people are reluctant to talk about it. They’d rather talk about the fun stuff. Getting them to think about safe sex as an emotionally intelligent thing to do, gives them a new way of looking at the practicalities of wearing a condom.
What do you feel is an important problem in mainstream consciousness about “healthy sex” and how do you suggest to fix it?
I think the baseline problem is that in mainstream consciousness sex is still seen as forbidden fruit. This injects guilt into sexuality and however subconscious this might be, it creates a fundamentally unhealthy relationship with sex.
We need to change our cultural mythology of sex. It’s a big ask but I think we need to free sex of guilt. We’ll accomplish this by changing the way we think and feel about sex. Of course this is a multi-aspected task. Our cultural mythology is told through so many media, from language (swear words are an interesting example of how we damage our relationship with sex) to movies and sex education policy.
I think a good place to start is to develop the highest regard for your own body, irrespective of sex. This is something that we can all do for ourselves without external help. Replace critical thoughts and feelings about your body with appreciative ones. Give up saying anything disparaging about your looks. This is only a first step but its a significant one because your relationship with your body is the foundation for your sex life.
In the field of sex counseling and education, what sets you apart from common approaches and what defines your work?
I’m a philosopher of sex. To me, sex as an expression of self. The technicalities of good sex are only the first step. I think the really interesting questions are underneath the technicalities. Questions such as ‘How fully are you giving your attention to the point where flesh meets flesh?’
‘What sexual attitude do you bring to bed with you?’ ‘What effect does sex have on your emotions?’
For me, the flesh is the most immediate and complete expression of self, more than thoughts or words. When I’m educating people about the technicalities of good sex we discuss their intentions and attitudes towards sex and their partner.
Also I teach a self-centred rather than relationship-centred approach to sex. This isn’t about being selfish but about knowing what you want and what you don’t want. It’s about knowing how to read your own desire and listen to your body. On this basis you learn to hold your partner’s body and desires in the highest regard
What do you think it is about your identity that brought you into the field of sex education?
I think the human body is extraordinary. I’d say that my experience of the world is primarily kinaesthetic. I trained in classical Indian dance from the time I was seven, and loved it. My first career was as a dancer and choreographer. To me the body is precious because of its capacity to express who-I-am to who-you-are. Sex is the most intricate and intimate form of that expression.
I feel sad when I see people in poor relationship with their own sexuality. Its a missed opportunity. I’m glad to be able to help people improve their approach to erotic pleasure so they have more fulfilling sex lives.
We are celebrating Valentine’s Day 2013 by acknowledging some of the most lavish, smart, and intriguing safer sex resources out there and giving them our thank yous for their hard work.
For safer sex guidelines we applaud and recommend you check out the following…
Planned Parenthood: A non-profit health organization that offers reproductive health care and advice on contraception, safe sex, and family planning. They’ve been around since 1939 and in many cases are the only place where one can access birth control, STD/STI testing, sex education, couples counseling, etc.
The Body: A medically-based HIV/AIDS resource in the US which provides information on everything one needs to know about HIV/AIDS, including advice on prevention, HIV testing, treatment, safely navigating a mixed-status relationship, HIV/AIDS policy and activism, and the latest research on HIV/AIDS and other STDs. This humongous site offers everything from Blogs, podcasts, bulletin boards, “Ask the Experts” forum, first-person stories and interviews, conferences and news coverage, and library resources.
SEX ETC: Who better to understand high school sex politics than the peers who are living and experiencing it themselves. The blog, magazine, and stories on this site are written by and for teens and young adults across North America. It provides different media to engage with sexual health info, such as videos about safe sex, forums where teens can participate and moderate discussions with other teens, a 400 words sex glossary, a state-by-state reference to info on birth control, health care access and your rights to sex education in “Sex in the States” guide, and a range of surveys and guides to sex ed activism.
Scarleteen: A progressive sex-ed site written for teens who are female, male, genderqueer; gay, straight or somewhere in between. It provides over 200 articles about sex, health, and relationships, covering everything from STIs to sexual orientation, body image, self-esteem, to birth control, masturbation, misogyny, sexual abuse, and technical advice from French kissing to BDSM. The site also provides interactive question-answer-discuss services, including their new live help feature providing safe, anonymous live chats with Scarleteen’s staff and volunteers.
SEX-ED LOOP: Another great resource for teens, based in Chicago, that gives up to date information on sexual health, rights, and identity through a range of social media channels including a weekly text messaging service and clinic finder that will identify health care services throughout Chicago. Also provides helpful articles about gender identity and sexual orientation.
HIV InSite:A non-commercial, well-established source developed by the Center for HIV Information at the University of California San Francisco. The site offers an extensive collection of original material including a complete textbook about the clinical management of HIV/AIDS. It is also a great resource for global HIV/AIDS research, statistics, and policy analysis.
Our Bodies Ourselves: A global non-profit that promotes evidence-based information on girls’ and women’s health. The information provided on the site is vast and includes excerpts from their famous book on reproductive health, as well as first-person blog stories that range from topics like body image, nutrition, menstruation, pregnancy and much more.
Well, that’s a handful of some of our favorite safer sex resources from sound sexual health organizations. Do you have any resources to share? Please let us know in the comments below!
Penis. Vagina. The words that made us all giggle in our childhood years. But for us, it went way beyond that.
